Dear My Little Brother

Dear my little brother,

Seeing you grow is as beautiful as it is hurtful, as I have wanted you to be there in this world with me, so I can play with you, so you can finally understand me, because I have always known you would; in a world where everyone mistook me, you were my savior, my little hero, and you still are one, and I still adore you

And Brother, I am so sorry I was selfish for choosing to leave – I was selfish for not being there for you, I was selfish for thinking you will understand among the things you are still trying to understand, as you’re still so little and so pure; your soul is still beautiful, and I’m haunted by your softness, your ears and your tiny hands that will soon become an adult

And it hurts me knowing you can ride a bike just like it hurts me that you can swim, because it was my dream to teach you how to, and I might be selfish for being hurt, but you were always a dream come true

Not many understand you, but I really do; I understand you and your pain because I know you’re silently hurting too, and the last thing I want is that you feel my pain or the pain people have put me through or the pain of having to do it all alone

But Brother, as long as I’m alive, you will never be alone, and I am so sorry as I was selfish enough that I wanted to leave you as I wanted to leave myself too, and I would’ve left you questioning where I am or who I really am, and I still don’t know if you would’ve understood it, but I know that you will feel left by me and nobody would ever tell you why I left and as significant or not it would’ve been I know you will still feel hurt by me

And I thought I would be saving you, but now I know, alive, I can save you too

And to a soul as pure as yours, a companion is so crucial, and if I could sacrifice my body I would, for you, as you don’t know how much I want to escape this world with you, so that the world can’t hurt us, because I would hate to see you hurting

And if you see into my eyes, I hope you only see gardens of flowers that I planted for you and just for you, so you don’t have to know the demons that stare back at you behind my eyes, and if you see my body, I hope you only think of the fairytales that I made up for you and just for you so you don’t have to see the scars and imperfections that are hugging you closely, and if you hear my breath and my heartbeat I hope you only think of waves of the ocean that are strong and so lively, so you don’t have to know when it will stop because I will never want you to see me gone, because I will never want you to see me stiff

Because I only want you to see me as happy as the dandelions dancing in the wind and I want you to only see blue skies above you, and I only want you to hear the sound of peace and I only want you to be happy, and I only want you to be happy, and I only want you to be happy… with me… or without me…

And that is, to me, the best kind of love I could ever give you, my dear little brother.