Discovering feminism

Deconstructing traditional gender roles with my Grandma

Growing up as a girl, I was fed a contradictory and confounding set of messages about my place in the world. On the one hand, my mom raised me to be fiercely independent, insatiably curious and above all, unapologetically myself. On the other hand, she loved to dress me in puffy dresses and pink hair clips until I rebelled at age 6 because ‘it looked cute’ and it was ‘what girls were supposed to wear’. My environment taught me to be wary of boys and to view them as potential predators, while all my favorite movies and books told me that I needed to find a knight in shining armor to protect me and sweep me off my feet. Similarly, when I reached my teenage years, I picked up that my femininity would potentially be perceived as ‘vulgar’ or ‘cheap’, and therefore I would need to dress and behave modestly and polite in order to avoid such labels. These messages were further muddied by the notion that my worth as a woman was somehow tied to my sexual purity – that I would be branded a ‘whore’ if I lost my virginity too soon, but also that I would be ‘undesirable’ if I stayed single too long. The crown of conflicting expectations that served to undermine my sense of self-worth the most when growing up, was that my ultimate purpose in life was to find the perfect guy, marry, start and look after the family, and to do it all preferably by 35, while remaining independent, and beautiful. 

Talking to my Grandma I came to realize that she was brought up under the same messages and took them to be true until much later in life. Even now she raises an eyebrow at my sense of freedom and cannot understand why someone would choose to be ‘self-partnered’. So while our conversations usually give me inspiration and hope to see how much we’ve evolved as a society that empowers and values women beyond the physical attributes or ability to procreate, I am angry that traditional gender roles persist in our society, promoted by socio-political gender messaging that has not changed in 70 years. What I am most angry about, is that these patriarchal tools disguised as (toxic) ‘cultural norms’ that seek to control us, were, are and will continue to be deliberate messages of a system of power that wants to silence us if we do not speak up against it. It took me 26 years to recognize that my worth as a woman is not determined by my ability to attract and keep a man, nor is it linked to my sexual behavior, appearance or whatever other capabilities ‘women are supposed to have’. Our worth is inherent by being who we are and how we identify, and we have the right to pursue our dreams, our passions, and our desires without fear of being labeled, discriminated, or silenced by society. 

So this piece of thought goes out to all of my fellow teens and tweens (and everyone who needs to hear this): let us reject those societal expectations that reinforce the patriarchy and perpetuate gender inequality, and let us work to create a world in which all women can thrive.