Disgust and Jealousy (Ezekiel 8)

Persis Jalilzadeh

by Persis Jalilzadeh

Story
here and somewhere

She loves him but he also disgusts her. He lets himself go and he lets her go too. She keeps out of his way. Sometimes she thinks it wouldn’t be so bad but she doesn’t want to think like that, that it wouldn’t be so bad if he left. Actually, it would be great if one could go back, back to the point of how it used to be. She doesn’t know how it started, tries to find the beginning, and gets stuck somewhere. His eyes are bound to the screens, his desire is focused on consuming. His goals hang upside down from the ceiling and gather dust. She is disgusted by all of that. G: Everything is disgusting? P: Oh, if you knew. G: I know. She knows that he looks at her, but she doesn’t lift her eyes to look at him. P: I think I’m jealous. Phoebe is surprised by herself. Jealous? G: Oh, I know that! And he talks. Phoebe is very tired, and only listens halfheartedly. She didn’t hear him at first… G: In my house! In front of the house, in the atrium and then inside. With each step it would get worse. It was dreadful, all smeared. That which belonged to us, that was part of our relationship, between me and them, they did shamelessly with others. I was disgusted, jealous, wrathful. P: And then? G: What do you mean by that? P: And are you still jealous G: What do you think? Jealousy. Where does this jealousy come from? And disgust? Through jealousy? Or jealousy through disgust. Disgust because of her current situation and jealous because of what she doesn’t have. And if the current condition is like that, is disgusting, and when one accepts that, then maybe jealousy would not emerge or at least not spread. P: The disgust decreased or was accepted. G: The disgust? G: Yes, regarding the situation. And then also the jealousy decreased. Or maybe transformed itself. Phoebe is somehow unsure, maybe it doesn’t make that much sense, what she tries to describe it. She rubs her eyes; she is dead tired and in fact she doesn’t want to think. She is far too exhausted for big thoughts, for big themes. P: I am tired. G: Yes, let’s continue our talking some other time. He smiles and shortly strokes over her hair. Phoebe nods. But maybe he doesn’t see it. Again, Phoebe is sitting in an uncomfortable position on her desk. She stays silent. To utter any words seems impossible again and he is gone, she doesn’t have to say anything anymore. She would have never thought that she would wish to postpone a conversation with him. Their talks are never long, anyway they always come to an end quickly, but she is so tired, even worn down. Talking to him leaves her feeling lighter, usually. Now she is here just as burdened as she has been before, isn’t she? Maybe she is just too tired to realize changes. Also, she is still stuck in the mud. Phoebe must sit up, leans on her palms. Yes, there is a change. She got stuck in the mud, she is stuck in the mud and she can say that without disgust, without jealousy. She is stuck in the mud. Phoebe laughs, without sounds, for that she is too tired.

© Persis Jalilzadeh 2023-07-16

Genres
Spirituality
Moods
Emotional, Hopeful, Inspiring
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