by Alboba
In everything, in all the mistakes, at least I stayed true to myself. That was the most important thing. I was not going to end up junked or trashed because of some childhood trauma. I will not let a diagnosis or a mental illness define who I am. In the darkest times, I did what I had to do. I looked towards god. I gathered knowledge. I prioritized my health. Doing that, things turned out even better than I ever imagined. I mean, after finishing my degree I had no job, and I was far from being the Dalí of Gaming. Professionally, I was still way off, despite the stress, the worked-through nights, and the horrifying pressure I had crushed myself under. No matter how much I beat myself up, I had to realize there was no way to trick time. So I learned to give myself the time for things to get good. I learned how to be good a friend. I got to know kickass girls like myself. One day we will rule technology together. Or sports. Or whatever we desired to have. I went to boxing and fell in love with fighting. There was something thrilling about fighting. With every new opponent, every time I was only fighting against myself. I learned what it meant to be a sister. I stopped having lovers. I saw the kids in my course struggle with their emotions and their egos just like I was struggling. It can be comforting to follow and respect a hierarchy. To look up to other people. To respect each other’s skills. I engaged with people and walked with the wind wherever I pleased. I got my wits back. I felt the pulse of the city and the vistas of the nightlife etched underneath my skin. I kept all the nice memories. I learned from them that I had never been alone. It made my past self less lonely too. I made peace with my parents and I saw how much they loved me. I listened to their stories and pieced together their lives. It turns out life had been so much harder than I could have imagined. We came from pasts so much darker than I had known of. From real wars. From old photographs, where I saw them sad and lost in bars. I had to realize that human beings are all just dropped on earth, left to figure out what is going on. Now I knew how to take good care of myself. My dad and I reconciled and he made a true effort. It was difficult, but we learned to communicate. Who knew you could teach an old dog new tricks? He apologized. We became friends, despite it all. We went up into the mountains to learn snowboarding. Standing atop the mountain in a thick shell of winter clothes, the teachers instructed us to strap in. I sat there in the snow to close the binding on my left foot. We had finally moved from the looser hill, it was time for a real track. It was snowing, the wind blowing against my face. Around me, the snowy mountains reached proud and unmovable into the sky. I still had to learn to be like them. Not to be swayed so easily by the waves of emotions. Some days were better, some days were worse. But I had improved so much that I was dealing with a completely new set of challenges. I had moved so far away from the person who sat on the bathroom floor, cutting or biting herself, that sometimes I barely remember how that felt. Looking back, it all seemed ridiculous. The romances, the heartbreak. I chuckled. “Can you imagine, I learned how to ride a Snowboard! It was AMAZING!” I told my therapist. “I’m so glad to hear that.” “Looking back I feel so dramatic.” “Shakespearean.” “I’m so crazy emotional, it feels like tides. It comes and goes like ebb and flow.” She walked into the room, unphased by the world.
© Alboba 2023-09-01