Fears

Sinapyses

by Sinapyses

Story

As I write letters that you will never read, I think about what I could say to you or would like to say to myself.

I take you as my possible counterpart because perhaps it makes the exercise of communicating a message (to myself) easier.

I would like not to write thinking as if I were addressing you. To think of you as an abstract entity, instrumental to my stream of consciousness.

But I find it difficult to do that. I already know why: it’s that it bothers me to devote such an intimate and deep space to you, when I think my existence is marginal to you.

I wish I could do this for/with whom I see potential for part and mutual exchange.

I sense, at moments, that you are a person who feels lonely. I sense your weaknesses which you don’t want to admit to yourself openly.

You do not open up. I do not know whether it is just with me or by personal choice.

Leaving little or nothing out of the turbulent and complex world bubbling under the surface of the person who says bullshit, catch phrases, aggressive shenanigans that serve to increase or thicken the levels of the armor you have built for yourself.

I speak to you as I might speak to myself and wonder if I too -though in different ways- do the same thing to avoid making myself vulnerable and exposed.

Are you lonely? Am I also lonely?

And in our loneliness we keep each other company, keeping a safe distance from the dangerous zones of attachment – because we are both afraid of them.

© Sinapyses 2023-04-15