As someone who’s wanted to kill themselves before, it is a unique joy to read about suicidal people joking together. For people who haven’t, this tends to be difficult to understand. They’ll scold you for making light of a serious topic, not understanding that that light may be what helps you through the darkness.
Now, because I hope that you’ve never wanted to die before, I’ll try my best to explain. I’m not denying that it is a serious topic and that people who are struggling should be met with sympathy and offers of help. Joking isn’t always a sensible choice, especially when the feelings are still close. Sometimes though, it can make all the difference.
Seldom have I felt more understood than when I encountered a book with characters like that. They didn’t hide behind pretty words, and they didn’t encourage each other, because none of them were able to. Reading this gave me an entirely new perspective. There was more comfort in their understanding companionship than in any of the halfhearted advice or motivational speeches I’d come across before. Seeing them compare their grief, making a competition of their reasons for wanting an end, made everything feel almost surreal. Just having someone not try to talk you down but acknowledge your desire as valid can be a much-needed relief.
The thing about depressive thoughts is that they lie to you. They make everything seem darker. Lonelier. Voicing them feels impossible. In my experience, only those like you can ever truly understand. You don’t have to voice those thoughts, because they know them intimately.
To me, nothing is as uplifting as hearing someone who knows judge your reasons for killing yourself. When your brain lies to you, tells you that everything is lost, you need someone to expose those lies. Having your thoughts turn against you is scary, because they are you. When you become your own worst enemy, someone coming along to disarm your weapons can save you. And those thoughts, I found, don’t hold up well against a sceptical eye.
Making light of depression, taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture gives me an opportunity to feel my feelings without letting them get too close. Recognizing their presence, like that of an annoying companion, gives me the power to see their lies.
It doesn’t make you immune, but it gives you something to fight back with.
Being among people who are casual about their issues rids you of the need to treat them like a shameful secret. It is a special kind of peace to be with people who understand.
Meeting these characters, the lingering pain I felt came out of the shadows. Where I had previously ignored my feelings, I now acknowledged them. I don’t feel the need to hide them anymore. Reading that book lifted a burden from me I didn’t realise I was still carrying. Its words let me step out of the shadows and into the light I always thought forbidden.
© Anna Kleinschmidt 2022-08-02