FREEDOM

“Do you know what? The scariest thing in there was disappointing them, because –”, she swallows and looks away from the camera with a watery smile, “it’s the best thing in the world when they like it.” I just heard this on an episode of The Great British Baking Show and I had to hit pause. There’s something about that teary delight when she talks about being praised that echoes in me and makes me think of you like hot fries make me think of McDonald’s vanilla soft serve. And to the person on Reddit who posed the question “People who eat french fries on ice cream. Why?” I don’t think I can respond with anything better than the most upvoted comment on your thread: because it’s fucking good, bruh. I digress. Now, where was I? *licks thumb and flips page* Ahh, yes: the pit of despair. I’m sorry, I’m sorry! But you know I couldn’t refuse the opportunity to make a Princess Bride reference, especially such an appropriate one.

In its stirring innocence, you probably don’t even realise that what she describes is what rules the course of your life: to delight when pleasing, and despair when disappointing. Because when you learn that nothing feels better and safer than pleasing the most important people in your life? Then the thought of disappointing them is unbearable, is akin to death. If letting someone down with who you are is death, then of course you’ll do anything to avoid it. Or, more accurately, you choose to avoid the discomfort of someone else’s emotional response to seeing you the way you really are. It’s what makes you move to another country, even though you never speak to each other again once you’re there. It’s why you don’t call the police on your brother when you feel unsafe, and it’s why you don’t get your septum pierced for another twelve years.

Sitting here now, eleven piercings later, I’m thinking about everything you’ve done to yourself, or not done for yourself, because you’re too afraid to break the illusion others have of you. The first thing they teach you in fight club, excuse me, psych counsellor training is to disappoint clients. For most people taking the training with me, this challenge has had us squirming in our seats and psyches ever since. How many of us are there because we’re unknowingly trying to heal ourselves from the damages accrued while pleasing? It makes sense that we’re all wary of having to say to someone: I’m sorry I’m not who you needed; I’m sorry you’ll have to change your perception of me; I’m sorry I can’t be that person for you; I’m sorry, but I’d rather disappoint you than myself.

Do you know what Mam said to me when I finally went and got that piercing, the one she said would make me look like an ox? She laughed and said, “Good for you.”

Yes, good for you.

Disappoint. Disappoint. Disappoint. And what you find on the other side of it won’t be death, but freedom.