Friendship Fears

I have been binging Sex and the City recently, and I think it may have made me anxious about all my friendships. I cannot recall ever being part of this perfect girl gang, where we were all BFFs with each other. I have been in friend groups, but usually they’ve been with people that I hang out with every week or fortnightly, and that’s primarily what the friendship consists of. We don’t share our deepest, darkest secrets with each other or ask for life advice. I’ve usually had one or two best friends, but only on an individual level.

My ideal girl group is one where we have cocktail nights, watch movies, prepare cute picnics and go on gals holidays. It is difficult enough to find friends as an adult, so finding multiple people with the same interests that also get along with each other is borderline impossible. Especially in Berlin where being basic is not mainstream. Every time I have found myself in a potential group, I have struggled to find anything in common with anyone. I still consider these group members to be my friends, but with nothing in common, there is a cap on how close we can be.

In school, I had friends, but for most of my school-life I never had a best friend. When I finally made one, she had to move away. During my A-levels, I found myself in a close-knit friend group, but I still felt like an outsider. I drifted apart after we went to uni and found myself out of a group again. I made great friends at uni- but I did feel a group dynamic lacking.

I craved hosting pre-drinks with a large group of friends, but usually it would just be me and my best friend. Looking back, I would never change that for the whole world. Those pre-drinks have been some of my happiest moments. I romanticise being part of a large friend group, most likely because I grew up watching Friends, HIMYM, or even chick flicks.

I don’t know if it comes from being an only child, spending hours home alone everyday for most of my school life or just being great company to myself. Maybe that’s why I am best at low maintenance friendships. I still care about my friends and want to know what they are up to and meet up with them. But low maintenance friendships are one where there is no pressure to text constantly or meet every day to keep the friendship alive.

Now that I am in my mid-20s (scary), I value my space and downtime a lot more. I have found myself in larger friendship groups a few times, and it mostly drains me. I am at my best socially when I spend time in smaller groups or just one other person. Large groups are fun, but usually in party settings. The logistics of larger groups brings me way too much stress, and so does trying to get to know multiple people at the same time. Or maybe I am turning German.

I have also never been great at constantly keeping in touch with people. My best friends are an exception- we have aced the long distance game. With my childhood friends, I see them when I visit home, and it’s like no time has passed. I have realised that there isn’t a textbook way for friendships. It either works or it doesn’t. It needs to feel effortless, if you’re forcing yourself to put in an effort, it’s probably not going to work out.