goodbyes unsung

florence drihz

by florence drihz

Story

The new routine is much lovelier than before: the training is far more enjoyable with an occasional reward, and learning a new language is better if you can be gay about it. He learns about the good things of the Empire from Idis’ lips and the bad ones from Asca’s; he learns to be loved for simply being himself.

The thirty-second birthday of Winnow is the happiest of his life, but that is only because in just three days, Asca and Idis and Winnow are to bind themselves in a love ceremony. They choose a new last name for all of them, and fall in love with each other a little bit more. Winnow shares the promise braid lore, and his promise to keep them both safe is not anything particularly new, but the way in which they both braid his hair, full of ribbons and intent, is. Idis brings two rings — too big to be finger rings, not quite earring hoops — and Winnow and Asca twine them in the strands dyed in blue flowers from the garden while Idis humms a love song their parents sang to each other. Asca is shy on his turn, saying he didn’t grow up with anything like that and they only have two simple rings, easy enough to change up or take off for work, and they hold his ringed hands for a very, very long time.

Love life aside, what occupies a lot of Winnow’s time — although somewhat less attention — was his occupation as a spy agent. In their last months together, Asca is sent on more and more Winnow-less missions, coming home rarer and more haunted, with more wounds than ever in the whole time Winnow lived with them. In their last weeks together, Winnow keeps getting so worried he starts genuinely considering breaking into somebody’s — Elise’s probably was best bet — office to search for a hint of anything, uncooperative Asca be damned. In their last days, when Asca sneaks back home and tries to patch themself up by himself, empty of healing, and sleep on the couch not to worry the others, he stops considering and does it. (And of course, Idis hears them, lays their hands on him to seal the cracks, and brings him to their bed. And the small heartbreak and the quiet sadness on their face is just another reason to do it.)

He is a rogue. He is good at sneaking in.

So he waits to break into Elise’s office, and in it, he finds a file, a wanted poster, and world-ending news that one day or another Asca will be tasked with killing him. He turns his head upside down, rereads it about 40 times, until it’s branded in his brain, throws up as soon as he leaves, and returns home. Selfishly drags his hollow bones to the bed they share, and drafts a goodbye letter to Idis in his mind — too scared to drag Asca — the spearhead? — into this any more than he already is. Plagued with anxiety, he knows he has to leave as soon as possible before he breaks down and makes it worse. As he wakes them up by getting out of bed, he kisses them for the last time in months to come and lies about getting valerian root drops to help him sleep from the kitchen. Winnow is lucky they are exhausted to the marrow of their bones, but he still rushes in taking the belongings he can remember and find downstairs, writing a short goodbye note to Idis and hiding it in the garden, before closing the door of their haven-cottage softly behind him one last time. 

He is a rogue, after all. He is good at sneaking out. 

© florence drihz 2024-02-07

Genres
Novels & Stories, Science Fiction & Fantasy