Her

I had to let go of the searching. Of the longing and waiting.

There were other lives to be lived, other adventures, and other connections to make too. Many of them were beautiful, many of them precious, wild and magical as well, in their own way, but there was something about her, whatever it was, that just never left me.

I have lived in so many forms since life began, far too many to count or name. But one I find rather interesting is the human form, perhaps because life in those forms is like a strange kind of challenge. It is the only form in which I have to battle against the chaos and mess of the complex, awkward energies that are human thoughts just to find that pure, simple feeling of connection, of freedom, of Life. What a strange creature, that has developed such an incredible mechanism for survival, for it only to get in the way of the one true purpose of that survival: living.

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to work out a way beyond that chaotic net of thoughts into freedom. Sometimes I don’t make it at all, not even over a hundred years of trying. Maybe next time, I always think. Such odd creatures.

I always wondered when she and I would come across each other in human form. By the way, of course, we out here have no gender nor sex; it’s the forms that randomly decide these simplistic biological attributes. Out here we’re just energy, we are nothing and everything, we are anything we want to be, waiting to be assigned. And each time we may be assigned something different of course, but for simplicity’s sake, as I talk to you, I will continue to call her Her.

The time came when I again felt the pull, a rush of excitement prickling through me, and as I surged forward, I sent out a wish. Let me go to her.

I awoke as the very first cell of a new form and with a rush of joy and laughter I realised I was inside of her, a part of her own body. She was human, and I soon would be too – I could hardly believe my luck. We would have a lifetime together, of love, of play, of challenge and pain and stories. I nestled into my warm dark home and smiled and felt she already loved me as she nourished me and I began to grow, grateful my wish had been granted.

But just twelve weeks later, something went wrong.

I felt a shudder and then a coldness rippled about me. I was leaving, slipping away. How could that be? We were meant to have years together, maybe forty, fifty, more… but here I was after only weeks, already drifting. I felt her pain, her agony, her grief as she began to realise she was losing me. She tried to cling on, but there was no use. She cried and I tried to be strong and hide my sorrow, to tell her it was alright, that I loved her, that I had chosen her, that I would do my best to come back to her in that life. Though I had no idea how.

I hid my fears and cried for her as I bled away, gliding quietly back to the Everywhere again.