I am not enough

These four words have probably caused me more pain in my life than anything else. A belief deeply implanted since my childhood, it felt like I could never live up to the standards. Society implemented and self-implanted. It feels as if this thought has ripped me apart, has chewed and spit me out with disgust.

An impression so deep, that I have ended up crying over it for countless hours throughout my whole life under such differing circumstances. A path carved deeply into my brain, with my permission to repeat over and over and over. A pain so deep, it has led me to the edge of insanity in search of what would make it stop.

I am not enough.
I am not.
I am.
I.

The cure starts with an “i”. To be exact, it started with me. Up until recently, this belief had been allowed to go unchecked in my day-to-day life, walking right through the front door. Since I finally realized that, it sneaked through the window multiple times, even though I was so sure it had been properly closed. Unless I make sure to check at least twice, that it won’t slip into the backdoor, this thought will continue to present itself proudly.

Now here is what I’ve learned in regard to belief systems: Most often those repetitive impressions aren’t even ours to claim. They have been implanted by somebody else. Just like I wouldn’t believe that I invented the Moonwalk, these thought patterns aren’t mine. The repetition has carved quite deep grooves in my neural pathways, but that only means that I will want to form new ones even more persistently.

Recently, I started using affirmations that are tailored to my needs. I AM ENOUGH. Sometimes I just feel like screaming it off rooftops, sharing it with a whole ocean or letting the forest know that I’ve laid off my self-imposed shackles. And often I feel crippled by the missing not.

I recognize that it takes time to unlearn something that I have carried inside myself for over 16 years. I value that, in this game, the process is the destination and not just the path. I am convinced that, with compassion and kindness towards my inner child, I am able to disidentify from it.

Letting go is passive. Moving on is an action. In order to make peace with the thought that has probably been the most persistent one throughout my whole life, I invite myself on a ritual to let go of it. Goodbyes aren’t always simple, so I want to take time to do this the right way.
Moving on and forward into a future without limiting belief systems seems impossible, if not even scary. Playing small in the comfort zone feels much nicer than throwing myself into the rough cold waters of life.
But knowing myself, I’ll do it anyway.
And while the cold shocks my nervous system, my heart smiles in fulfillment because it is aware of having done the right thing.