I will do better, tomorrow

It is late at night, around one in the morning to be precise. You slowly drag your feet as you’re making your way back to your house. Your mind floods with images, as the dim lights of the streetlamps are passing by you.

It has always been like this, any second you are left alone, your brain starts conjuring everything it has stored up, you don’t know if this is an attempt to fill the silence, or if this is your mind’s way of torturing you. But either way, this is never a pleasant experience.

The images of what was… Of what could have been…

You start to remember distant memories of how you were. The “academically gifted child” that you have always been. Your parents always boasted of how easy it has been to raise you. “It is almost as if he has always been another adult at the house” is what they would always say. And yet, that never seemed like a compliment to you.

You have always been the quiet mature person in the room. People always seemed to confide in you, and you, being the mellow-natured person you are, have always done your best to enable people and support them through their quests.

You notice the memories pattern that is replaying in your head. And you brace yourself for that familiar thought bubbling up to the surface. “I have always been a supporting character in someone else’s story”.

You have tried to break this pattern on multiple occasions. You have tried to be the center of your own life. But for one reason or another, every time you have tried to do so. Life seems to find a way to put you back in your rightful place. Memories of rejection when you try, flash across your eyes, memories of failures when you get confident. And so, you stop trying, and you accept your role. At least for a little while.

The streets have been empty given how late at night it is, and you take a turn into the alley where you live, you see your house approaching, and your mind starts dissecting the events of today, thinking about what you could have done differently.

Imaginary scenarios run through your brain. Where at last. You are the protagonist. And you’re not simply… An observer. And you promise yourself that you will try to do better, tomorrow.