Icy Blue

As he promised, he took me to visit my dad. Deren has been perfect. No complaining. No arguing. He hasn’t even said any of his dumb insults. But what mesmerizes me the most are his beautiful icy blue eyes. He says he started using contacts more. Which makes me imagine the beautiful winter season when I look into them.

My father lived in a small cottage, he always loved the natural way of life and when I finally moved out he got the chance of living the life he wanted. Seeing him again relaxed me more than I thought. Deren seemed happy to be there too, helping my dad with cooking and gardening. He looks so cute in an apron. The first night, my nightmare was mild, but I was in the living room of my dad’s cottage. The radio lying next to the old timely lamp was playing some random interview. I sat on a dirty red couch and listened. “Hello? Ash. Is that you?” The radio stuttered, and a male voice came from the radio, a voice that was familiar. My boyfriends. I answered hesitantly and waited for an answer. Maybe he was talking to me while I slept. “Hi- His eye- ey- eyes are a lie.” The stutters hurt my ears as I woke up in sweat.

The second night I was exhausted from helping my dad all day and cuddled Deren to sleep. His eyes were looking at me with warmth I missed. But something was weird. My dream was the same, but I talked to the radio. More words of lies and coldness until it started begging for help. “Let me out, please, please, please, please, …” It kept repeating and repeating. It burned so much, so, so much. I repeated after him, again and again, until the burning went into fire. Burning alive with the radio in screams and his and mine own agony.

“Angel?” My boyfriend yelled and shook me awake. I cried in his arms that night. Weren’t my dreams starting to stabilize? And now this. I didn’t sleep that night, nor the many after that. Knocking on the glass started following me every time I passed a mirror, sometimes I hear a “Help me” or “Let me out.” Hallucinations from lack of sleep, Deren and I concluded. He seemed so concerned about me, but it overwhelmed me now. He asks what I hear, what I see and what he asks me? My answers are always the same.

My dad suggested going back to my sleeping pills again. I really needed sleep, no matter how bad the dream would be and the knock. Oh, the knocks were driving me crazy. It was like a tic, going on and on. I’m taking those damn pills.

The third dream was just me walking in a forest. No more begs or knocks, just a silence and rustling of leaves. I saw a hole, but I knew it wasn’t meant for me and something made me keep walking. “Be careful of the icy blue” My boyfriend’s voice again spoke to me and I frantically looked around, but it was impossible to see anything but trees. “Deren? What are you talking about? Why?” I spilled out from the panic. No answer. I ran around, looking for anything, please there be something. Please, please, please…

You were hanging. My dear, lifeless and pale. You always had dark blue eyes, my love. But this time they faded to icy blue as you suffocated that day. I have been stuck here for so long.