i’m in my feels

Julia Schlenker

by Julia Schlenker

Story

Wandering through the world, seeing people from different cultures, but there are two worlds are in my life. I could never say if one was worser than the other or both of them are the living hell, from a kiss of the devil on my ass.

Well, Germany and Brazil, beaches and beer, caldo de cana and Banhoff. Everything has its one place, but not me. I’m the Gringa in Brazil and the lesbian Ausländer in Germany (my hair was short and red, like my personality hot red fire, and they come to the conclusion, I’m a lesbian). I did felt alone, I was in this big world, just 17 and so afraid, seeing the privilege girl in my Brazilian friends eyes and a coward in the mirror, with false confidence, constant panic attacks and tears.

Why the panic and the tears? Why the constant image of falling down the balcony and hope that my neighbors doesn’t notice it and this image of an embrace of nothingness, silence, off this could place, that is so comforting. I’m 17, and I wanted to end my life, I was in my feels, so much that I couldn’t bear it anymore, but than therapy happened, and therapy is a beautiful thing, you talk, talk, talk and cry, pearls and pearls of salty art, to just say in the end “its life”.

The traumas that I collected through my life, the abandonment, verbal aggression and the sexual harassment, like a curse where lifted, but those memories and feelings sometimes are too much. I do not wish to comit suicide anymore, but I wish not to live long either, my limit is 32, sometimes 55 when im in good humor. Don’t get me wrong, I love this world and I love these feelings that I get to feel, but they come with a big burden.

But I love them, I love to cry, and I love it to love too much and a little secret: there is this little annoying light spot inside of me and this thing is so beautiful, and it bothers me so much because it makes me want to be Immortal; I have this urge to see my friends getting old and proud of the live lived, I want to wander this world and see the humanity involve, live thousand of lives that are overflowing with feelings and creating a salty sea with my tears where I lay and look to this vast universe, seeing how stars and planets explode.

I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but im grateful that I can celebrate life as an artist, not as a writer, but as drawing and painter artist.

© Julia Schlenker 2023-07-24

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Biographies