in between

Lying on my bed, clouded with thoughts about what will happen tomorrow, looking at my wall, wondering when these gaps will be fixed. Suddenly, footsteps are heard, a discreet shrilling voice as if something is about to happen – a whisper of help that I can’t lend, and I begin to witness how a single part of creation lifts and pulls out fear from the other. A bean-sized hole shows how terrifying it is and that it leaves me trembling and hurting, but I stand still and clench my teeth, continuing to spectate a struggling scene, a perfect storm – head hit on a wood!

I sit, and should the cat be out of the bag? It would be a shame. Can I stop it? It would be a wild-goose chase since I am fourteen with only Popeye, whom I thought could make things right after eating spinach. There might be things that are hard to shape, but some are already formed. There might be things that are all yours, but you can’t have a cake and eat it too. Not as gallantry as the knight, my legs are pulling me up and peeking again the most heart-stabbing sight: hands covering the pain and pride, a wailing sound, the unusual touch of color of its pale skin, and the kneeling. I close my eyes and let it sink in – heart rate has abruptly increased! My eyes open and a flash of light comes in! A nightmare! Mother!

Now it is warm, bathe with sweat, and eyes drowned with tears – I can’t stop it! Help!

Then, I heard a sudden knock on my door. A gaze of hatred and pain quivers my silence. It’s the same look when I was fourteen. I stood up, as my blood suddenly went down, and got dizzy upon approaching an open door seeing a petrified gal: I felt like my legs are numb, breathing heavily, and in distress. Why is my heart squeezed and feels like it is surrounded by thorns? Why doesn’t it stop? Stopping it can be a stitch in time, but my lips are paralyzed – still flabbergasted.

I always say that this will pass, and I will be happy soon, but I take it with a grain of salt. Will this end? God must not have cut the mustard in His job, but I still hope of a warm life spent and with faith to pour and grow my soul, as I am in between a harrowing past and a horrifying future.