It’s my fault, obviously.

SR

by SR

Story

How long, how long can we play this game? “Okay. I understand that you want a scapegoat, somebody you can rub your guilt off on. And surprisingly, I will take the blame every time. Since, regardless of what it is, I am to blame for all of humanity’s problems. Because I am Sal. I have known that for a long time.” My eyes look duller than they ever have. Thousands of them look back at me, all confined by the cracks in the mirror.

Sal, as often foretold in old legends, embodies all evil.

 I stare at my body, all torn up. The blood drained, bones broken. When I speak, flower petals fall out my mouth, softly floating to the grounds. My skin, stretched to its max and my brain is probably the most fucked up. Scars are littered across my body, barely visible anymore, but they stay with me, indefinitely.

The thought experiments I perform on myself are never harmless because they take away part of me. It is a spiral and each time I enter the tornado, I am dragged away completely. But I’m far from being done. How long it takes, I decide. Or maybe you do. Who knows. …..I am evil. That’s what I believe and that’s what, after all of this time, the people in my life have made out to be. It started with them, it ended with me.

I am trying to change, but life keeps on throwing me for a loop. I don’t want to live in a hole anymore. I keep trying to dig my way out, nothing. My flesh is sore, and the fingertip bones start showing, I feel exposed. I don’t stop trying. It told me. Perpetual motion does nothing, this pit is too deep, so I just keep running around in circles. I sleep in here. I eat in here. I drink in here. I live in here. Nobody is going to come to save me and each day, my hands get a little stronger and I can hold onto the walls a little longer. The real question is how long it will take, is my lifetime enough? How much more must I sacrifice? The thought experiments, the impulsive decisions keep me sane, they make me know I am alive.

I do love myself. Sometimes. That is always, according to you. But I want to be free. Not free from the apparent chains my mind has tied me to, but from society and its regulations because even if you do whatever you want, in the end, in some way or another, you still rely on society. That is the way our economy is built and what we humans have been working towards. But I don’t want that. I want complete independency, forever until I become independency. Maybe I can be happy in this hellhole.

They put their blame on me whenever they can; when they don’t, they search for another scapegoat. I am just the sacrifice; I do not want others to hurt the way I do so I take the blame.

“You don’t really think that; do you?” Out of nowhere, a friend appears from beneath the shadows. They must have heard my monologue.

“You poor thing. At least this time, it’s not.”

“What?”

“Not your fault.”

© SR 2023-08-28

Genres
Novels & Stories, Biographies