Letter for my light part II

When I climbed in the car and returned to this place, I promised myself that I would try to be my best version. For you… I wanted to confess my sins and weakness and for you to understand, for you to tell me that there’s still hope for me. That you can create a different kind of light for me. My demons are stronger, they know all the tricks in the book and the light are causing them no harm. But how can I ask you this? How can I pretend this from you? How can I deserve your kindness, when I have nothing but bruises and nightmares to offer you. I’m sorry if I scared you. You probably thought that I was some crazy guy, one that was staring at nothing and everything at the same time. I hope I’ll see you soon. Maybe I’ll be able to act like a normal human being, and you’ll not feel the need to run away. I don’t promise anything. I feel like my dark hates you because you can tame my demons with your presence. You have no idea how clean I am when you are around.

Take care of yourself.

My dear ghost,

I managed to push my body from the bed and left the house. I walked on the streets like it was the first time when my eyes were falling on something from this world. Someone waved at me, I returned the gesture, but I didn’t know who it was. Sam was busy and for my utterly shame, I was glad. Glad that I can be sad on my own, without feeling guilty. People tend to question your happiness, your reasons, your hope, and even though there are good intentions, you can’t help but notice that they are balancing and valuing your suffering from such a distant point of view. They didn’t have to share your loneliness, or walk through the chambers of your soul. And what should I say? That I love an illusion? I’m sure they’ll find a reasonable answer to that. The typical: “Move on! You’re still young!” Some parts of ourselves should remain between shadows.

I don’t know what I did, or where my legs went after I left the coffee shop. I told myself that it’s a “now or never” situation, that I need to go to the river today and not let the time pass it by, otherwise my courage will perish, and I’ll never go to that place again. The nightmare appeared more vivid behind my eyelids, but I found the road. I woke up on the riverside. The wind embraced my frame, dancing with my brown hair. I pushed the curly locks that landed on my face and when my eyes dared to leave the ground, I fixed the stormy river, the pulse racing in my veins. You were staying on the other side, an entire universe moving between us. Your face was like a mask of stone, exquisite and cold, your eyes eyeing the water with a deep interest. Flashbacks of your hands on my waist, the seaweeds taking over my body, all of it began to shatter my reality. You were dressed in black, exactly like I saw you in my dream and I couldn’t endure the sight of it. I wrapped my arms around my body, the wind was laughing at my weakness and I felt completely hopeless. I don’t know if you noticed me. I think you did, cause now when I’m thinking more carefully I know for a fact that at some point I sensed your turquoise glare between my shoulders, and thank God that I wasn’t facing you.