Letter for the host part II

You mumbled a small salute. I repeated the word after you, my mouth dry and twitching into a fragile smile. I felt the wings beating in my lungs, the moths drowning in your sublime, turquoise eyes. That’s the end. They will die, and I’ll be free. That’s what I told myself, watching you shaking hands with everyone in the group. In my mind, I thought I was clean, that I escaped your haunting memory and I wanted to but myself to the test. You were dangerously close and my brain was moving too fast.

“How does it feel to be home?” I asked, and your eyes fell on my trembling lips for a brief second before you fixed your attention to something in the distance. You appeared uncertain about your actions, fighting for more air and fumbling with the buttons of your shirt. I wanted to look away, but I simply couldn’t.

“You know what people say about returning home: it can cause dependence.” Your voice was swimming in indifference and I didn’t find a good comeback. I nodded, knowing painfully well that the turquoise storm didn’t kill the insects, in fact it made their wings stronger. I couldn’t stare at you anymore. You were a natural, feeling good in the company of others.

” How does it feel to be home?” I asked, and your eyes fell on my trembling lips for a brief second before you fixed your attention to something in the distance. You appeared uncertain about your actions, fighting for more air and fumbling with the buttons of your shirt. I wanted to look away, but I simply couldn’t.

“You know what people say about returning home: it can cause dependence.” Your voice was swimming in indifference and I didn’t find a good comeback. I nodded, knowing painfully well that the turquoise storm didn’t kill the insects, in fact it made their wings stronger. I couldn’t stare at you anymore. You were a natural, feeling good in the company of others. I couldn’t support your eyes anymore, and I decided to have a small talk with Sam and Crystal. We avoided each other. In my case it was planned, but for you, it seemed quite an instinct. We didn’t have much in common, and you had no reason to make a conversation with me. I saw you wrapping your strong arms around Julia’s waist and my veins were tickling and bursting in flames. I felt sick, and I announced Sam that I was ready to go home. Sometimes I’m wondering if he is aware of my real feelings. He guided me toward the exit door, I waved a shaking hand at Crystal, and she offered me an airy kiss, the champagne making her dizzy. You ran to the door, trying to stop us from leaving, but it was too much to me.

“It’s already two in the morning. I can’t stay anymore. Have a nice party.” I said, forcing myself to offer you a fake, unbothered smile, and I noticed your face twisting into a confused expression, but you inclined your head and let me go. I wanted to look at you one more time, but I was fearful and scared of what I could see. We stopped at the entrance of my home and Sam placed a sweet kiss on my cheek, staying: good night, with a half mouth. He didn’t question me and in my clouded head I thought he was offering me understanding.