Liebes Tagebuch, today I had a dream

Şevval Yümsek

by Şevval Yümsek

Story

i had a dream yesterday.
somehow – i don’t know the exact circumstances that led to me doing this – i swallowed a huge bunch of needles in that dream.
it did not hurt, weirdly, but i felt very uncomfortable. i tried spitting them back out again, but i could feel the majority of it still being stuck in me, my mouth; between my teeth, under my tongue, in my lungs.
one by one, i picked the needles out of my mouth, until i pulled out the one i thought to be the last one. however, this one turned out to be magnetic, and a bunch of needles i had already swallowed were dragged out with it as well. like a chain. like a chain that was traveling up my throat.
i pulled and pulled and pulled, until nothing came out anymore.
there was a kid in my dream. i turned towards it, feeling kind of relieved, thinking i had done it. i asked: ‘are they all out?’
the kid made a grimace, pointed to my stomach, and said: “you have a bunch of metal in there!”

it could see right through me.

nobody forced me to swallow the needles in my dream. even if i don’t remember the exact reasons, i do know that i swallowed them myself, in a fit, somehow thinking i would still be fine. even if i swallow them now, i can just spit them out later.

a few days ago, before having this dream, i went out to have dinner with my friends.
there were a lot of people there, most of them i did not know. and the few people i did know didn’t know that i had changed. they didn’t know – or pretended not to know – that i didn’t fit in.
i spoke very little, feeling like i had nothing to say, and feeling very comfortable doing so.
when i tried to be sociable once, though, i did something i thought i would never do again: talking badly about someone while they’re not even there.
i am so against gossiping, backbiting and all of that nasty stuff. however, in that moment, i swallowed my own rules, handed the wheel to my hot-headed self who enjoyed the attention, and let myself say things i regretted instantly once they were out.
ever since that incident, i have been thinking hard about it, unconsciously. i was ashamed of myself. why did i do something that i deeply despised?

dear diary, do you know what gossiping is? i thought a lot about it and how to define it. i did not come to a conclusion.

all i know is that i am oddly grateful for having this dream.


© Şevval Yümsek 2023-06-28

Genres
Spirituality, Biographies
Moods
Herausfordernd, Emotional, Komisch
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