Light Switch

I felt tremendous guilt and shame of not holding my own, of not living up to other people’s expectations and ultimately embarrassing them for not being able to. Guilt and shame of trying and trying but failing and failing, over and over again. Right then. Right now. Always.

Embarrassing everyone who knew me. Bringing shame upon their colleagues, their friends and their loved ones. But also, to my colleagues, my friends and my loved ones because the reflection of the Phil of all trades is a master of none would mean for them being all trades and a loser too, since: One becomes the company one keeps.

I wasn’t feeling good. Not then. Not now. Never. And I wasn’t ok. Not then. Not now. Never.
I was feeling dizzy going in circles and sick to my stomach, so much so, it felt like throwing up. Then. Now. Always.

It didn’t matter which in Life or fantasy, reality or dream, it felt like taking swings in the dark, trying to fight those demons, but I just kept missing. Then. Now. Always.

Just like when I was a kid waking up from those nightmares. Scared and alone, trying to find my way out of my room, fighting the darkness by hammering against those walls, trying to find the light switch and the door. Yet again, I just couldn’t. And so, I cried more and was panicking more intensely. I tried so hard finding my way out of the darkness, but that darkness, this No Way Out, haunted me for most of my life. Always scared, always screaming internally and always not really being able to make it through. 

Reaching that place where all the lucky ones already were. But, The Darkness would swallow that too. That darkness would swallow me, the room and everything in it. Pitch black. No place to go. No place to hide.

Not knowing where in the room I was standing or if I was still in bed or had fallen on the floor again. I could see nothing but was feeling double.
Desperately trying to find that switch that would illuminate the room. The space I thought I was safe in and freeing me of the pain and sorrow. Even that I couldn’t do. I couldn’t even find that light switch. The simplest thing I could not achieve and so the question remained: How could I handle Life – on my own?
Now. Tomorrow. Forever.

I was depending on others, depending on Earth’s Core to pull me wherever it wanted me and wherever it needed me to fulfill whatever it wanted from me. To serve, to offer and to play the role it assigned me to. And so I ended up here where Life wanted me and where it apparently needed me. Right here. Right now. On the battlegrounds of terror and destruction.

A place of dry earth, split grounds, remembrances of trees, intense heat and burning skies. It was my battlefield that apparently I alone created and that I alone would have to face. This place of Lost Hope and Forgotten Happiness. Mine alone to conquer and my duty to overcome.

Alone.