living as the bad kid part IV

Back to the main topic (yes, I have decided that should be the main topic); I have happened to forget to mention that I may not be that average in one field: eating. I have, uhm, an eating disorder. That means I am actually a binge eater. I have a food addiction. I eat and eat and eat until I can’t anymore and still keep eating. I don’t even know how to describe this, let’s just say, it’s neither comfortable for my mind nor for my body. And my wonderfully fairy-tale-like-mother shouts at me for having this problem instead of helping me with it. *thumbs up*

But she isn’t to blame. My friend Jasmin once told me that god gave the human race the free will, because otherwise they could simply do what they wanted to. He loves the humans so much and wants to help them, really, but some humans can’t accept that much of love and do bad things (which the devil likes). And she said that this hurts god so much but he can’t really do anything about it because he loves humans too much to not give them their own free will.

So in fact, I always blame other people for my problems, when I am in truth the only one to blame.

But it still feels good to blame other people so I am simply going to keep blaming them.

Geez, I am hungry. I don’t really want to mention how much and what I eat, because it still could be triggering some people. Let’s just say that I ate much and I am still craving for more food. Not because I am physically hungry, it’s just the taste and my mind that wants to be filled. I have stopped feeling or sensing physical hunger long time ago.

I know other people don’t mean bad things when they say something just as “I am just this close to getting an eating disorder, but not from starving but from eating too much” (literally a citate of my friend). If I had anorexia or sum I would most likely be proud of it or at least I imagine it like that. I am very aware that this wouldn’t be the case if I actually had it.

This makes me think, how can I prove you I am actually having an eating disorder? Yes, the world is sick and a person reaching out for help still needs to prove they’re sick. Well, I have stopped it by now actually but I used to throw up. A lot. Just because my stomach has always been very weak ever since I was a kid and overfilling it with food doesn’t support its condition.

I am sad because I am fat and I eat because I am sad. It’s a never ending cycle. I have grown sick of the thought of trying to change, since I always get yelled at in the end. Not that my family would be at fault I am like this, this is just an excuse on my part.

Excuses, huh? Yep, I have had many excused or rather lies in my life and will have many. For example I begged my mom to let me join the gym and she said no. She then once after I ate that I take “not being allowed to go to the gym” as an excuse for not trying. They always blame me not to try to change. I mean, I also blame them often so it’s quite equal.