LOST SOUL

I recently heard that Drug Addicts have the most difficult life-paths and the reason you might be asking why I wrote about it … well, my lovely brother turned into one …and I saw it coming from the start…

I had this dream about him and drug abuse. I was running towards him to save him, but I could not. It was the Source and the path he chose to walk, he needed to walk and nobody could change it, except himself …and he made a choice over and over again ….

That kind of love, I realized, was through different lives and centuries we were there, finding each other, to protect each other, save each other… Sometimes we might even have succeeded, but in this one, again, we were not meant to stand long beside each other. That hurts….and that is OK too…. It is allowed to hurt …

Very soon I learned, it is OK to hurt.

We had a deep bond and lovely brother-sister relationship as we grew up. At first, as my Mother used to tell me, my brother Petar wanted a little brother, got me instead and loved me more than he could ever imagine. We never fought, we always helped each other. We could always count on my brother to be there. If the boys were too shady towards me in school, if there was somebody teasing me or trying to trouble me , my brother always took my brother to protect me. With the girls he liked, also as a small child, he did the same as well. That’s why he would get the thicker end and get himself into trouble… one of the lessons that cost him a lot.

 I truly held him as a Hero in my Eyes, until that changed. It hit me , but I knew years before it… You can’t really prepare for situations, events, reactions that might come towards you, because no matter how much you think you have prepared, momentum takes over and feelings overwhelm…

One day, I was in his room , cleaning and just moving around, as the little siblings do, and I found a small piece of paper was written on it about how he apologized to me for not being able to tell the truth and the truth was, he found himself addicted, and I realized that, he was hurting, and I have no idea how and if I can help, even though through the dream I knew he is already in the rabbit hole, consciously abusing his young ages … He was not even 18 back then …

A couple of years passed by, and he survived the crisis of Heroin Abuse for the first time, looked me in my eyes and shortly said, `as you may see, I am not doing very well, I have crises, but I will be fine, don’t worry `….