Love, me

Dear me,

You still remember when we talked the first time? You were so shy that you couldn’t get out a single word, but I soothed you with an endless waterfall of words about my favourite band, the ocean and a hundred other things that I can’t even remember any more. I can remember your shy smile, how you even laughed at some point and I couldn’t get rid of the sound of this laughter since. 

You know how I always hoped I would die first, ‘cause I couldn’t imagine life without you? I couldn’t imagine bearing the world without you, without your laughter, without your positive mind. The time I felt down for months you were the one who kept me thinking forward, who made me smile and believe in better days. But I know, I will. I will be able to live without you.

You still think about our first trip sometimes? I was so scared for it to end that I couldn’t even enjoy it that much. But one night we were sitting on the beach, and you said that memories live forever, so I should just live in the moment. This was the only moment I was really there, with you, living life. 

You still remember us talking and laughing in the cafeteria? I would’ve never guessed what you were dealing with. I thought I knew you, but I guess we only know small parts of people that don’t represent them as a whole. I once thought about whether it is a sign of weakness to kill oneself because one can’t handle the pain any more or to stay alive because one isn’t able to kill oneself. Now I think both are equally weak or strong, both need incredible strength. 

You know how I was always the pessimist out of us two? You were always like, “life is hard to handle at times”, and I would add all the time “every time”. I should be the one lying in the grave, not the one standing next to yours with a bunch of flowers in my hands. 

You’re reminiscing about the night in the car when we would drive for hours? I wouldn’t know where you were going, but you wouldn’t tell me. At that time I was already getting scared. You had changed and I had finally noticed. It took me months to accept the fact, that you were only an inch away from killing yourself. I think I knew it much longer, but I suppressed it, couldn’t believe that you, you, the girl with daisies in her hair, with painted Converse and the most gorgeous smile in the world, the most positive-minded person I’ve ever met wasn’t the person I had known any more. ‘Cause that’s what I had to learn, you’re not that person any more, you’re not an imaginary picture in my head, you’re you and that’s amazing but not perfect. 

So, just keep in mind: You don’t owe anyone your life, you don’t have to stay alive just to please someone, not even me!

I love you through time and space, always!

Love, me