by Patty
Maybe I lost myself after you left because you took a part of me with you—a piece I will always have to grieve without being able to bury it.
Your departure changed me in ways I find difficult to explain. And yet here I am, trying regardless. It’s another thing crushing the remains of my soul because you are the one who taught me this. To try even if it seems pointless. Even if the chance to succeed is nonexistent, you taught me to take a chance at all. So here I am. Trying because it’s the only thing I have left.
I reject everybody who attempts to get closer with every fiber of my being. I am afraid of sharing my thoughts. I am afraid of wearing my heart on a sleeve. I am afraid of letting someone in because they aren’t you. No one will ever be you.
I saw the longing and dying simmer of hope whenever our eyes met. Regardless of how many times my heart rejected yours. You couldn’t bring yourself to put the fire out. If anything, it grew stronger. Fueled by my own selfishness, and you didn’t even know.
Maybe that’s why a fraction of my broken heart freezes whenever someone offers a kind smile. I don’t feel worthy of gratitude. Because I wasted the one you showed me. There might be some truth in these words; you only know what you had when it’s gone.
Is it too late to apologize? I don’t expect any forgiveness. I just thought, maybe, you would want to know I realized my mistake. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. Maybe you hate me, and I don’t blame you if you do. Maybe I can find peace one day and forgive myself.
Maybe I will learn to treat myself with more kindness like you always wanted. Maybe we will meet again. And I promise I will be a better person.
© Patty 2023-02-21