MY BRAIN DOESN’T LIKE ME

Good times are fragile. Is there a thing as jarring as the crash after a high?

One of my mental ” challenges” tends to intensify my feelings. When I don’t feel next to nothing, emotions fill me whole. Despair is all the more devastating right after a bout of euphoria. I find this both a blessing and a curse. As little as a friendly interaction with a stranger can make me giddy for hours, but a minor misunderstanding makes me overthink all day. I’m convinced friends hate me, unless they show me the opposite. On the whole, it’s rather stressful. But I’d take this over feeling nothing in a heartbeat.

Change is rather difficult under these conditions, but not in the ways others tend to think. Moving to a city I’ve never been to, without a single person I know, doesn’t feel like much to me. I walk the streets like I’ve never been anywhere else within hours. Smaller things are what upset me. Friends have marvelled at my ability to make big decisions on a whim, but I spend hours agonising over which colour I should use to highlight a text.

You must’ve noticed I tend to ramble and lose my point in conversations. It’s a sign I’m excited. Unfortunately, when my conversation partner doesn’t match my enthusiasm (rather difficult to achieve), my brain tells me that they find me annoying, sending me into a spiral of self-doubt that can easily end in my energy turning against me. If you have a friend struggling with their own mind, tell them that you appreciate them more! Don’t wait for an opportunity. Just show them you care every now and then. It can literally stop them from ending their lives.

I’ve not written about what I meant to. It happens. That’s fine, you don’t have to know where you’re going all the time. I try to remind myself of this. Recognising that you’re in a bad headspace is invaluable, because you can remind yourself not to give your words any credence. It’s still difficult, but it keeps me from breaking down a lot of the time. I haven’t been struggling lately, so I know not to take my words at face value.

People tell you that it’s okay, good even, to put your mental health first, but when you do, they change their minds. As soon as you cancel appointments, they complain. As soon as your performance worsens, they question you. You’re only supposed to put yourself first in your free time!

This, of course, shows that they don’t understand at all. I try not to take this personally, but sometimes it’s impossible. The time I lose to “my brain hates me” days and to things others don’t have to bother with is immense. A productive day for me isn’t a productive day for most. It’s impossible not to be jealous sometimes, not to be resentful when people shame you for what you already shame yourself for enough.

I fight myself every day. It would be nice if people didn’t support my opponent.

Note: I just noticed I haven’t mentioned a single book. These aren’t stories either. I’m sorry. I seem to struggle to hold my thoughts now that I’ve started giving them words. I hope you don’t mind.