Pregnant with death

Monday

6.

I don’t believe in death or eternity. Especially immortality is a total lie. When we shout that dead organisation militants are “immortal”, I think we are lying just like the state. If they were “immortal”, why did they die in agony? Do you have to be disembowelled to be immortal?” All over the world, whenever someone talks about eternity, I see that they believe this lie with all their hearts in order to cope with death. A soldier dies; they say he is a martyr, that he has gone to eternity, or even that he is not dead. Or a member of the organisation is shot; according to the organisation, the dead militant has also gone to eternity. I cannot make sense of it. If the men of both sides go to eternity when they kill each other, why this war? No one knows the answer. Because the state and the organisation have different eternities. Can you imagine two separate eternities? Since the dead soldiers and militants cannot live in the same world, they go to the same eternity! If you tell them that there is something strange about this, they will demand self-criticism from you. Because according to the organisation, the eternity mentioned by the state is a fabrication. According to the state, on the other hand, the organisation is deceiving its militants by pretending to have usurped eternity. Who are you going to believe? When you don’t believe in anyone, you want to believe in yourself. Can you believe in yourself? No matter what I do, it always comes back to the bomb and death! I couldn’t get used to death, but I couldn’t live life either. I always wanted to belong somewhere, to be close to someone. I looked into people’s eyes to be embraced. Even as a small child, I was ready to do all the ugly things that would make you hate me so that people would show me love. The result: My existence is now the mother of death. I am a blessed and happy woman, according to the organisation that says I will give birth to eternity. Eternity feeds on the blood circulating in my veins, so every breath I take will make me more valuable in eternity. How can you believe in eternity in an organisation founded by people who do not believe in an afterlife? The organisation and the state both resort to the same lie: If you die, you will not die in vain. But who are you? How do you know? How do you know that those who lose their lives, those who die in pieces, will be hosted in a vast and happy eternity? How do you know that those who die in pieces do not suffer? Of course I will suffer. And no one will share my pain. The moment I detonate the bomb, I will be torn apart by the pain I feel; they will scrape the bloody pieces of my corpse from the buildings.
No one will ever know the depth of my suffering. According to the organisation, I will be “immortal”. The state will convince almost everyone that I’m an “arsehole”. An ugly mug shot of me will appear in the newspapers. But no one will look at my eyes. Even if they do, no one will see my suffering. No one will know me. I want you to know me. I want you to know that I’m a human being just like you, as dirty as you are. You could have been in my place. Could you be? Would you be a member of an organisation that forced you to become a suicide bomber? Don’t say, “No way!” How do you know what life has in store for you?