Pregnant with death Chapter 2

tuesday

13.

Such ugliness infected my life that I stayed away from everything I could love. Just when I was about to feel love, the organ of an arsehole, an animal who thought he was a man, was stuck in my body! I couldn’t bear to have other people ruling over my body. Could you? Tell me the truth, would you accept being a piece of cloth wiped off by an arsehole? Could your heart take it? It didn’t even stay halfway, it disappeared. My heart is filled with hate. Do you understand me? I’m a suicide bomber now. And to write these words I draw strength from death, not from life. But who knows what you’d do not to die. Because you love life. But why do you love it?
I don’t love life. I can easily say I don’t know how to love. I’m filled with hatred for everything. Can you understand me? Even if you don’t, can you listen to my words? How long can your heart endure filth? How far can you tolerate anger that makes you forget the heart? A few times I met people who talked about purity of heart. In the faculty canteen, a girl said, “That boy’s heart is clean, there is no evil in it.” I wondered about that child because I have never seen anyone with a pure heart in this life. Growing up; becoming an adult is only possible by getting dirty. Is your heart clean? Can you easily answer “yes”? Or let me ask you this; can you say that you will die with a clean heart when the bomb that will explode with my body kills you? And which heart can be purified by meeting the warmth of a bomb? Which heart is truly purified when it dies in pain? Think about it; are there more things you love or more things you hate? Come on, admit it; you have more hate than love. Don’t hide it. And why is that? Have you ever thought about it? Hate needs a small spark to exist, whereas love requires the whole body and the world to burn in flames. Love is a fire that can be easily extinguished, on the other hand, it is as if no rain is enough to extinguish the spark of hatred. It is in our blood to hate and dislike easily. However, it may be necessary to give up many things to love. Have you ever tried to write what you hate and what you love on two separate lists? I have a big hate list. You may laugh. I also hate hating. Hate is tiring. Do you think there’s such a thing as compulsive hatred? There’s nothing I love in this world. I can’t say, “If I die, I will definitely miss this…” Can you say that? Are you aware of what binds you to life? Are you sure of the strength of the strings that bind you to life? Still, don’t think that you are very different from me. How many people do you know in this world?How many of those you know do you really love? How many of them do you care whether they live or die? Think about it carefully. How many people do you feel that you will be diminished by their deaths? How many people do you live a complete life? Or are you one of those who live without knowing anything? If you were given the power to destroy someone or something, how many people would you destroy? Give a real answer to this question! Are you brave enough to give it? Are you honest enough to see the evil in yourself? How many people do you look at with love and how many people do you look at with hate during a day, have you calculated it?