Pregnant with death Chapter 3

wednesday

16.

In the orphanage where I stayed, I had a cupboard in the ward where our dormitory was. And I had a porcelain doll with the same name as me. I hid it from everyone because it was so beautiful. A rich woman who came to visit us last Eid, who had no children, gave it to me as a present. In an orphanage, there are ugly people everywhere who don’t want you to have beautiful things. That’s why I used to play with this doll in secret. Do you understand why? To play with this beautiful doll, I used to wait until everyone was asleep and play with her quietly in the toilet, you know what I mean? Have you ever smiled your way into a urine-stinking toilet to play? God’s punishments! If asked, you’d say you have a heart full of compassion, but you don’t! You are not real! You’re not real! The porcelain doll, with its smiling face, almost made me believe that something beautiful once existed. Is it because people are so ugly that there are so many beautiful dolls? I’d talk to her. She was real. I loved my baby’s skirt. When I looked at her smiling face, her pearly teeth made me smile. When I looked into my porcelain doll’s eyes in that stinking toilet, I forgot everything. That baby would be my mum, my dad, my sister, my teacher. It would turn into whatever I needed, it would breastfeed me. When you were thirteen, did you ever try to suck on a doll’s breast? Come on, God damn it, speak up! Have you imagined the taste of milk by sucking a doll’s breast? Have you satiated your reality with a dream? A lifeless baby gave me life. But you were sleeping while alive, wanting to forget everything. How many times in your life have you shown love to an orphan? Maybe you kept it all to yourself when there were so many things you could show! Are you human? Who are you? I couldn’t look into the eyes of my porcelain baby after that bastard raped me. I was ashamed of a porcelain doll’s eyes. While you watched the world with shameless eyes, I bowed my head and cried! Where were you people? Where were you who say, “I am a human being”? My baby had green eyes. Her eyes were so harmonious with her brown dress that I used to dream of the time when I could dress like this baby. Do you understand? I was ashamed of a beautiful baby.

I was too dirty to look into the eyes of a lifeless baby! That baby was lifeless, and it was cleaner than me.I was too bad and ugly to deserve anything. What was my crime? I want you to recognise me. At least recognise me after I’m gone from this damned world. No, don’t love me, don’t show mercy, don’t understand me, but God’s punishments; get to know me! Maybe in this way you will understand yourself and the children that no one has adopted! Thus, when a suicide bomber detonates himself, you will feel with your heart how he actually turns a heart into a bomb. Can you really feel it? Can my words hurt you? I was a wretch who wanted to forget herself by breathing in a man’s scent, and the more she wanted to forget herself, the more she remembered everything. Would you like to be me? Would you like to understand me? When this man, who was pressing on me with his huge body, got off me, I wanted to cover me not with my pink quilt but with the earth. Have you ever wanted to be a corpse?