pregnant with death Chapter 4

Aylin Akca

by Aylin Akca

Story

Thursday

21.

Every baby whose parents are dead must die. Killed! I say this with all my heart. Because I am an orphan and an orphan who has not been killed, I will avenge the ugliness I have experienced so far. When I bought this book, I had one week to do it. During this week I was going to watch the world, your life. I wanted to see what the bomb strapped to me would finish. But what I’ve been doing for the last four days is looking at my own life, this pile of shit I’m going to end up in. Do you know what’s bad, even the most loving images only serve to provoke hatred in me. For example, a two-year-old girl hugging her mother tightly, smelling her with love. One should soften when looking at this child. Instead, the hatred in me is reinforced. “Why did my mum die? Why did a drunk lorry driver run over the car my father was driving slowly? Why didn’t I die with my loving family?” Every unanswered question alienates me from life. Every baby whose parents are dead should be killed! Do you want a person to be filled with hatred and not be loved? Being an orphan easily causes this. Family, kinship and all that nonsense makes me sick now. My father’s relatives didn’t take me in just because they didn’t like my mum. I was 18 when I found out. I had seven aunts and two uncles, but they didn’t like me because they didn’t like my mum. Can you believe that? My father’s family didn’t like my mother because she was Turkish. My mother had only one relative, her aunt who raised her. And my mum’s aunt never wanted her to marry my dad. Because he was Kurdish. What would you do to them if you were me? Wouldn’t you want to give an answer to all your relatives who abandoned you in an orphanage, to all the people who made you go through the ugliness you went through, and blow yourself up with a bomb? Why does a person want revenge? Because he loves himself. So say those who say they know the human soul. Am I taking revenge because I love myself? No, life has prevented me from loving myself. Everything that has touched me has ripped a beauty from me and left an indestructible ugliness in its place. And when I look at myself, I see that I am a sum of ugliness. I don’t like myself at all. I want to take revenge on life for not loving myself. And I realise that the revenge I’ll take on him will pollute your life too. But even that’s not enough to stop me. Revenge is not emphasised much. I wonder why? Love is advertised everywhere, love makes money. No wonder, everyone needs love. There is an industry that wants to make us believe that everything people need can be bought with money. Isn’t it strange; people eat bread from love, but they are hungry for love. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Teacher’s Day… During all these days invented to show your love to someone and receive love from them, I only hated myself. As if you did anything! What have you got by spending money to show your love! Did those who persuaded you to show your love do it because they loved you? No, they didn’t. Don’t they all love your money? They don’t love you, they love what you have.

© Aylin Akca 2024-05-11

Genres
Novels & Stories
Moods
Herausfordernd, Dunkel, Emotional, Reflektierend, Angespannt