I am a pretty girl. I don’t say this with arrogance, but much rather with sadness. Being a pretty girl has tormented me in various ways throughout my life. As a little girl my earliest memories are of people being fascinated by my looks. I remember the awe of how pretty everyone thought I was. As a child I did not comprehend what exactly that meant. But they loved my hair, my eyes, and my skin color. I became used to the reactions I would receive and even came to expect them. When in a room I began to expect compliments, gazes, and attention. And in situations when that didn’t occur, I began to wonder why. Had I lost my pretty?
Growing up in a predominantly white country as a brown girl, ensured that I attracted a lot of attention. Well not me, but my looks. I am constantly looked at and always asked where I come from even though my I speak the language perfectly. In school the girls hated me and called me every name in the book, while the boys stared at me. Sometimes I see people watching me and I become worried that I may have forgotten to put on my pants that day.
See, I was never cut out to be a pretty girl. For the greater part of my life, I have been filled with deeply engraved insecurities. Self-doubt and Self-hatred that eat at my soul in every waking moment. I was never strong enough to withstand the stares or the comments on my appearance. When I looked in the mirror, I could not fathom what it was that others saw. I stared at myself endlessly trying to figure out what it was that made me pretty. And for the longest time I had no clue. Everything I saw in the mirror was utterly unattractive to me. I started believing that one day people would start noticing, that I was in fact not pretty at all. I believed if someone got too close to me, they would start seeing all the bits of my ugly that were there. I lived in constant fear that I would lose the illusion of my pretty, which was the only thing I knew.
But in many ways I should be very thankful for my pretty. It has given me attention, privilege and has even saved me money for drinks, cab rides or vacations. It has brought me love, admiration and endless possibilities. I know how to smile, I know how to pose when a camera is pointed at me, I’ve learned to be likable and presentable.
But some days I don’t want to be likable, and I don’t want to be pretty. I want to be wild, careless, and free. I want to be mean, and I want to do whatever I want. I want people to stop assuming that I am as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside. Because I am not. I am not pretty on the inside. I am a burst of fire, and the wildest chaos you can imagine. I am selfish and very sensitive. I long to simply follow my heart without consideration. Without reflecting over what is allowed and what shouldn’t be. I wish I could strip off the corset of beauty and the adapted behavioral patterns. Strip it all away and see who I am, without the expectations and without having to fit the mold. Because if I knew how to strip it all away, I believe I would find a version of myself that I would absolutely fall in love with. I would see woman, that is unique, unbothered, untamable, divine, and full of power. And If I could, I would strip it all away, because what is beneath all my pretty is natural beauty so intense it could melt your heart.
© Ruby M 2023-09-04