Random thoughts about (unreceived) love

Mila-Evas

by Mila-Evas

Story

Sometimes I think that love isn’t made for me. Not to sound dramatic or anything, I just don’t know why I’m so unlucky in finding it. Seems like god or whoever is up there doesn’t think that I deserve to get a chance to find my person. I don’t want to be ungrateful; I really do have a great life. I love my family, I love my friends, I love the city I live in and I definitely love my dog. But I’ve got so much more love to give. The problem is: No one else really deserves it, because when I decide to open up and give a little love to a guy, they just take it and throw it away. Or even better, they take it and give it to another person. And every time I give a little love away, it does not come back to me. Lucky me that my romantic self has A LOT of love, but I’m afraid that I will never be the person who receives something back. I know what you think right now: “Maybe you gave it to the wrong person”. But who decides who is the right or the wrong person? I’m really trying not to fall for the “bad guy”, but if I think I’ve found someone who has something good in their heart, even if they don’t always show it, why not give it a try?

Ok ok, I’m kind of a picky person. I care about looks. But who doesn’t? I mean, if that good-looking guy is a total douchebag, I am definitely not going to chase him. In the end, their character does mean a lot to me. If they don’t get my goofy side, why the hell should I waste my time with them?? But that’s my problem. I got that weird feeling that the guys I like don’t like me for me. Maybe they like my looks. Or they like the way I close my eyes when I laugh. But they never want to get to know ME. They don’t want to know what my favorite color is. They don’t want to know what my childhood was like. They especially don’t want to know anything about my obsession with musicians or movies.

And that’s the part where it gets sad. Because I try to ignore this unbelievable important fact when I start to like someone. I find excuses why they wouldn’t want to know those details about me. I’m a talent at finding excuses why they aren’t acting like I hoped they would. “Maybe he’s just not texting me back because he doesn’t know that I like him and is afraid of me ghosting him.” Or “He just forgot about my birthday because he was busy at work.” Blablabla. And then, when I really can’t think of any more reasons why he ghosted me, I start doubting myself: Was it the way I acted in front of him? Did I act weird? Did I ask too many questions? Or should I have asked more questions?.. It’s a weird and a little bit depressing feeling to start thinking that it’s only your fault.

But luckily, a really smart (and probably British) person once said: “You’re not everybody’s cup of tea”. And yes, I’m totally fine with that! I don’t need everybody to love me. But why is it that I’m just so unbelievably unlucky, that I can’t find a person who thinks I’m the best cup of tea they ever had? Or even better. They get to know me and realize that I’m not just a random cup of tea, but I’m the best coffee they ever had. Just something special.

Because that’s what I am.

© Mila-Evas 2022-03-11

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