Remembrance

“Was it so difficult to concentrate on a test?”, he asked, emphasizing the word ‘test’, to make sure his daughter understood the severity of this issue.

She, on the other hand, was more focused on holding back her own frustration.
She’d heard often enough how horrible it was for her to fail. It was starting to get on her nerves.

She knew how not being a successful daughter would affect him in the future. How all of his efforts would go to waste because of her. She’d been told this enough times.

All she ever wondered was what efforts her father was talking about. She’s been learning things on her own since she could remember. Not in one of her memories does she see him helping her.

But then again, what does she know?
Ava’s just a dumb little kid after all.

Even if she was stressed and frustrated at this whole situation, regret was relative. Some part of her felt bad for being such a burden, the other only felt relief.

Not studying was nice. A break from all the pressure. But apparently, good things have consequences.

“Go to your room, I do not want to see your face again until tomorrow.”, the elder interrupted her thoughts.

Ava left without a word. Somehow, she felt proud at having defied her father in a way.

So why haven’t you done it before?’

‘I was scared of what might happen’, she answered.
Was it convincing? No.
Would it distract her from the real reason? Yes.

And although Ava should know by now, that such feelings don’t just go away once they aren’t wanted anymore, she can’t stop the annoyance rising in her at the nausea that comes from her stomach feeling like an endless pit.

–

“Please don’t sadden your father dear, he truly loves you, you are his only daughter. I understand he can be mean, but he doesn’t mean it.
His anger is something he can’t control. We both only want what is best for you.”
‘Her voice was gentle, and she left with a soft kiss on my forehead.
I can barely remember her face, how mom looked back then. Maybe she wasn’t as tired, or looked more youthful?’

‘The pride I felt was now more similar to guilt. Maybe if dad’s happy, mom will be happy too. Maybe I am in the wrong.’

Aren’t you tired of pretending?

‘A little longer won’t hurt. If mom’s happy, so am I.’

–