Rocks On Your Heart – Part II

continuation from Rocks On Your Heart – Part I

While I say that my anxiety appears to me like a poltergeist (you remember the loud, beastly, abhorrent a**hole I told you about?), depression comes sneaking in. It seems more gentile because it makes your body heavy, tired, sleepy. You lie down for a minute or two. Things just seem a little overwhelming for a moment. All you need is some rest. It silently leads you to the spot where you are the most vulnerable, only to place all of the universe’s emptiness on your chest. The heaviest burden to bear. Rocks on the heart.

Yet, still we have to function. Go to work. Smile for the camera. Be a good friend, sister, wife, lover. They will tell you to spend the weekend in the countryside. Activate your body and go out more often. Try yoga or jogging. Take a gazillion Vitamin D supplements. Listen to 15 hours of some guru’s motivational speech on YouTube. Travel the world. Find a new hobby. And of course, I would not dare to forget my favorite all-time classic: “Maybe you should think more positively?” Law of attraction, right?

You know what, I call bullsh*t on that!

It is not because none of this is true or makes sense, but because the story just won’t stop repeating itself.

You bury a whole 10 meters deep / You bury yourself / 10 meters deep / You bury yourself / To cry out for help thereafter

(orig. Gräbst ein Loch 10 Meter tief / Du gräbst dich ein / 10 Meter tief / Du gräbst dich ein / Um danach nach Hilfe zu schreien)

Maybe you, maybe the universe – something or someone has dug this giant, deep hole you cannot get out of.

A leader will not automatically appear once you start a Zumba class. You will not magically get over it once winter is over and spring has begun. You are where you are because you cannot get out of there by yourself. I will not be the annoying cynic in the corner of the room who tells you that all effort is pointless, but do not let the people around you gaslight you, by minimizing the solutions to your issues to easy life hacks.

Find your community. Erase the things that eat your brain. Devote yourself to the parts of life that bring you joy. Take the space you deserve, no matter how big. Be kind to yourself and others. Allow yourself to create time on your own terms. Most importantly: seek the help that you need. And I am not solely talking about psychotherapy. I am talking about your own individual toolbox with all the instruments you need in order to build your way up and out of the hole.

Be well aware that these things are privileges and none of it is easy to implement. Still, you are worth it.

Originally uploaded on 13.02.21