S, the vampire with Adhd part 2

You and him are coming back to the party after a kissing session in the dark forest. You were talking about something that you don’t remember, actually, you don’t remember much about the night. But, you do remember one sentence he said, and that was: “it because I have ADHD” and it’s in that exact moment when your brain and your heart have a little orgasm together. He just has to reveal his neurodivergence to you, and you immediately fall in love. Well, that and also the fact that you both are wearing gorgeous outfits and you both are beautiful bold vampires who you look fierce together.

Third and last message I never sent to him:

I can feel your lack of interest and it hurts a lot. I feel crazy, like, all that connection I thought we had was just an illusion. I’m starting to forget how good that felt. I do not want to be nice with you anymore. I’m disappointed and right now it feels so useless to even try to connect with someone else. Nothing compares to that one night we had. I’m writing this to put it out of my mind. I have to be rational again. I just wonder tho… When it’s the right time to fight for love? Maybe never, that is the problem. We never should do it. Has to be easy right? Right? I thought that our thing was easy and that is what I like more about as. Easy to comprehend. Maybe this story was just another monologue of my mind. I created this fantasy about you and me, and now I have to come back to boring reality. I feel like a teenager again, dreaming and living one side story. If people get to know about these feelings and thoughts I would be so ashamed. I deserve love. But maybe you don’t deserve my love. Is this letter a goodbye? You were pretending? Was I pretending? I refuse to believe that, at least I was honest, fuck! I feel so damn used, Did u used me? Everything feels so disgusting I want to cry I want to make you cry I want to hurt you There is no way I can hurt you right? I do not exist for you. I’m nothing, maybe a good memory? Did you even remember that night? Ahtibeieufheiwudbxjbksjsjsjjsjdhdjdjj Life is pain. Existing it’s so hard, to fail, I wish I could know what are you feeling, but you don’t even reply that pity message I sent. Probably you don’t care about me, yes, or maybe you are too busy, and I’m definitely not a priority. Don’t be so stupid and replay to me, you don’t know yet the question I wanted to do. I was practicing before falling asleep for a week, and it goes like this: “S, you just have to say yes, and I will take the first train to Berlin.”. That make not sense right now that I have no hope because your lack of interest it’s so obvious. You are like my dad, another man who doesn’t give a fuck about me. Why god you make me straight? Why? Bye S. There is nothing else I can do to safe the possibility of our love. Bye cute vampire, I will move on now, like I always do, move on.

To close this chapter here is goes a short poem I wrote after this heartbreak moment:

Can be healthy to date a white man? Can be healthy to date a man? Can be healthy to date? Can be healthy Can be?

P.D 9 months later this encounter I got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. Thanks S for being the mirror I need it.