S, the vampire with adhd

You meet someone in a wedding, S, a tall German boy, silly face, sharp vampire fangs, bold and white transparent skin. They are wearing a long black skirt with a big white shirt, and they have a huge tattoo on their chest. You meet on the dance floor, and you connect through dancing, the best way to connect for sure. Later you are in the dessert tables, choosing which cake to eat, and S is smiling at you and looking right through your eyes, and you didn’t expect that because your still binary brain thought that they were definitely gay, so almost in shock you ask them: “Are you flirting with me?”-“Yes”, S replays. “Do you want to make out?” They seductively ask.

First message I never send to S:

Do you want, eventually, to see each other again?. I really want to see you and hug you and stay there, feeling your breath and kiss you and go deeper into our bodies. I just have so many questions about your skin I just want to touch it all and feel with my fingertips your veins, your blood. I’m so afraid you will say no, so afraid of being rejected. I know this is too much and weird and needy like ‘we just had one night together what is wrong with her?’. Alles is so wrong with me honey you must know!. But I found something there, something unexpected, something I was looking for a long time. OMG, to write all of this makes me feel pathetic and a loser, like, I’m taking off all my shields that I slowly had been building since a kid, since I realized life is pain and those who had to love you they just disappear. But I prefer to go through my fears and maybe get disappointed, but I know I will be ok after that, and I will just move on. I just need to know if what we had that night, that connection, was real or not. Bc if it was, I know I have to do something about it. I can’t play cool around you. You open that door that was closed for so long, and now all my demons are here with me. Asking me to heal, asking me to do something different. To not escape. S, do you want to see each other again?

Before you reply to him, your brain expands and checks all the possibilities. First, you realize that on the train way here, you ask the universe for a kiss, so here is your wish come true bitch and second you remember that it’s been a long way since you kissed someone at a party. This could be your second first time. Third, who cares? Everybody is on drugs, also you are a little bit, with that tiny amount of mdma that your friend gave you on the station and also nobody knows you and please, remember, you are not the same small town teenager worried about your mom knowing all your dirty secrets, here, in this wedding there are not old ladies neighbors who sit in the street with eyes and ears wide open to collect information about your perfect lady behavior. Now, you are in Berlin, so you should make out with this stranger. “Yes, I do” you reply to him.

Second message I never sent to him:

S, I think I would be more patient. Maybe I just don’t know the whole story. Your story. Probably my ansiedark is talking right now.