Schrödinger’s patriarchy

giuliakollmann

by giuliakollmann

Story

My experience of sexism in Germany is mostly made up of microaggressions, a fact for which I am thankful. I know this is not true for many others and that age, ethnicity, gender spectrum, sexual orientation or social standing play a role in the level of harassment people who are perceived by other as women face. However, I would dare say patriarchy here feels less oppressive.

Should one feel thankful for a little less oppression? In Germany, it’s the little things.

A headhunter once called me about an opportunity at a consulting company. He explained that the job was not suitable for a woman with young children, as it would require a great deal of travel. The thought of a female parent having childcaring arrangements that allowed them an international career simply did not cross his mind.

A colleague I dearly like simply assumed that I had moved to Berlin because I had married a German. “The Austrian name is my grandfather’s heritage.” The following surprise is about the circumstances: that it was all triggered by me, my studies, my job opportunities. A man that accepts starting anew to support a woman’s ambition, the woman as someone who bestows rights upon a man: freedom of movement, new citizenship. Still strange at the dinner table.

All little drops in the ocean of sexism I navigated throughout my first decades living and working in Rio de Janeiro. In Germany, I never felt I was being treated in a gendered way in the workplace, and this had not been true for even a minute when I worked in Brazil.

Never since moving to Berlin have I heard again in a meeting where I was the only woman present that I had finally arrived to perfume and embellish the room. I have not once tapped that barrier where one just knows that the next promotion is not for them because it is not meant for a woman. I feel relieved that I don’t have to walk the unfair balancing line of remaining ambiguously available for sex, a simultaneous yes and no, a Schrödinger’s experiment in flirtation.

I know I am lucky with my circumstances in Germany. I work in a good place, where I see all genders working in flexible arrangements and being hired and promoted in equal proportions. I am aware that this is not the case in the whole country, and that women in Germany still take a hefty, lifetime pay cut in comparison to men when they have their first child, as they are the ones who will tend to slow their careers down to fall into the caregiver role. Mothers I know who work full time have had their share of subtle shaming by school teachers. Practicing Muslims face difficulty finding senior positions if they insist on wearing a veil. My whiteness perhaps spares me from the “fiery Brazilian woman” trope that I know others from my country hear around the world. I am older, and maybe the demands of strangers on my sexuality are also reduced.

But maybe Germany is, also, after all, a better place for women than my South American homeland. Not perfect; not final; not feminist. But better. And yes, I think I am thankful for better.

© giuliakollmann 2023-01-19

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