Searching you (IX)

i searched you 
in every song i listened to
in every movie i watched
in every book i read
in every boy i met 
in every place i visited
and even in myself

i wanted better than you
but i kept choosing worse

i told him i wasn’t ready
i told him i didn’t want to be touched
he knew i was so broken over you
but his lust was so big he didn’t even stop when i said ‘no’

i thought kissing other guys would make it easier
but something about his kiss, his touch and his hands on my body felt so wrong

at first i chose just anyone
then i chose the pretty ones
at last i chose anyone who reminded me of you
choosing myself never came to my mind

his hands all over my body
feel like i’m cheating on you

it took me so long just to feel something 
but the saddest part was finding myself crying in bed over a boy who reminded me of you and left me even faster than you did
and even then all i wanted to do was to call you

so there i was 
lying in someone’s bed
and all i could think of was the picture of you lying in someone else’s bed too

so there i am
throwing something good away
for boy whose vibe is more like yours
what a pitty

i never understood why they would kiss other people after a breakup 
i always hated kissing other boys
because that made me miss you even more

being happy without you wasn’t as hard as i thought
falling in love without you was

i found 
boys prettier than you
boys smarter than you
boys better than you
but they weren’t you
so it didn’t matter

but then I found him
he wasn’t good at talking about feelings too
but still he did
he wasn’t emotional 
but with me he was
he did all the things
you should have done

he say’s he likes me more without make-up like you did
he texts cute paragraphs like you did
he speaks to me in the way you did
what if he leaves just like you did?

with him i am like i was with you 
when we were happy
maybe that’s why i like to be with him