Standstill

For a moment the world stood still, there was no white noise, no blurred lines, just the blue lake and the spring sun caressing her skin. The warm breeze kissed her cheeks, and she could finally feel the pace of her life slow down for a second. Sitting on a bench in a crowded lakeside, she felt complete. For the first time in the last four months, she finally felt herself again. No one to tell her how to live her life, spend her money or what her future should look like. Perhaps, she was born to be nomad, no roots no where and just her At that moment, going wherever it felt right to be at that time.

For the first time in two years, she has re-tasted the sweet freedom, and although bitterness accompanied her loneliness, it felt like she was on the right track. The hurt that she has carried in her heart for years, suddenly was fading with every breath she took; and the water started to wash off the residue of the betrayal that her heart felt. On that bench, At that moment, there was no judgment, no disappointment, no past just the present.

The memories started flooding, and yet she was sitting still, diving into her thoughts. For the last two years, she felt like she was the second choice, the rational choice, the girl that is liked by the family, someone who the reason tells you might be the best option for the age and time in life to settle down. Yet the heart looked towards skinnier, funnier, a damsel in distress that needs saving kind of a girl. She did not want to be that girl, and she did not want to be someone’s seconds; yes, it is not saving that she needed, it was the love in its purest form, quality time together and respect. At the end, she was the means to an end, the facilitator to reach someone else’s dream, sacrificing and loosing face of her own self.

For the last two years, she was made to believe that she is not good enough, that there is a better option around the corner. The insecurities rose daily, complexes around her curvy body, the fear of spending money on herself, the fear of doing wrong by that person, were crawling in her shadow.

Just stop for a second and think: what is this life?

She did not want to be that girl. She did not need another reminder of the hurtful feeling of not being enough and yet this is what she got. At that moment, sitting alone, freezing as the sun was going down, she wanted to be herself. She wanted to accept and love herself, her curvy body and her moody personality she wanted to feel enough. She wanted to travel and to live her life with her partner who understands her in the highs and in the lows; to be there for the good and to share the bad; to understand the pain of having the family overseas in an unstable environment. At that moment, on the bench, she realized, she does not need someone to complete her life she wants someone who is complete on his own, who also wishes he had someone to share the life moments with.

For that fraction of the second, everything stood still, it felt like nothing in the world mattered.