SURVIVE

I survived my first week without alcohol and any substance, and I said survived, because it was fucking incredibly hard. It was way harder than I could possibly have imagined.

The first two nights in the facility, I went crazy. I wasn’t able to sleep, I was shaking and sweating, my body needed alcohol to keep on going. It was just a chemical reaction in my body. My body was so used to the substance, that it was impossible to cut it off at once. All I could think in my mind was ways to escape, or try to find alcohol and drink it secretly.

I felt like an animal without ratio. Just looking for alcohol to try to survive. I went outside my room and begged everyone to let me go, or give me a drink. Everyone was sleeping, and I was screaming like crazy all around the place. I was in pain, physically and mentally. Getting a drink was something of life or death for me. My anxiety attacks were so strong, that I might just want to start to hit my head against the wall.

I wasn’t given any alcohol, it seemed to me like nobody even cared. It is the way I felt, so I went out of control… I started to throw things and break them all over the place. They immediately sent some security guys who held me and sedated me with an injection.

After the incident, I was set under controlled medication to reduce anxiety and be able to sleep. They realized that my dependence on alcohol and drugs was stronger than they thought. I talked to Dr. Chandrani, and explained what I felt.
“I cannot sleep, I am in pain” I exclaimed.
“It’s normal, but you have to get through it, at least until your body regenerates” she said.
“I don’t think that I am explaining myself right,” I said.
“I am going to die if you don’t give me a drink, or something to help me to sleep” I continued.

After begging Dr Chandrani, I was set under strong medication to be able to sleep, under the conditions that I would be monitored every 24 hours. And I was going to be assigned a spiritual personal coach, who was supposed to guide me through my journey in the facility. I also compromised on doing all the activities that were “suggested” for me.

I had a strict diet with lots of vegetables, fruits and foods rich in vitamins. I was being monitored every 24 hours, and someone was taking samples of my blood to see if there was any alcohol or drug in my system.

After Lindsay’s death, my body was in terrible condition. I had months of not sleeping, without exercising and without eating healthy food… I lost my well-trained shape, and my face was looking like shit, restless…! It was like a spiral or vicious cycle. Because seeing myself in that way was depressing me and all I wanted to do, was to drink.

I was training my body from day to night, running at the beach, doing some open-air training with weights, some yoga, and I even started dancing again. This was one of the biggest motivations. I was slowly looking good again, and regaining confidence in myself and my body was healing.