Tears of rejection

Today it started to rain.

The sky is dull grey, and it is almost cold outside. It’s not the refreshing rain after a hot humid summers day, but the kind of rain that gets into your soul, makes your bones ache and your mind and body search for warmth.

It seems like the rain will never end. It fascinates me that the weather somehow seems to replicate my mood today. There is a pain inside of me, that feels like it will never end. It lies deep in my soul, it’s a pain that feels physical. A pain that is so deep that it has become part of me. Like rain on a cloudy day. It doesn’t define who I am. Just like rain doesn’t define a season, it can rain in summer too. I can feel the pain even if I’m generally happy too. Its just always there, sometimes hiding, waiting to come out , othertimes like today, reflected in my tears. Tears that don’t offer relief, for this pain will never go away. It will always be a part of me, of who I am. Once pain cuts into you so deep there is no long term relief, no magic pill, nothing that therapy can do. Not even time! For with every second, every minute and every day that passes, the pain in my soul, doesnt doesn’t dull, or get better. No it is a pain that gets worse with time and distance. Every passing moment is worse than the last.

The rain can be a blessing, watering a field or filling a dry river, but if it never stops raining day by day , drop by drop… it causes chaos, havoc, causing rivers to overflow, floodwater ripping through towns and villages, destroying everything in it’s path.

Tears can be a blessing too, tears of joy . These tears, no longer offer relief, they no longer help the soul heal. They just get worse, stronger reflecting the pain. Trying to destroy me, ripping through my soul. I have learnt to embrace it, like a dam embraces the river, but the danger of it overflowing and destroying everything including me, lurks and waits. There is only one cure, that will not take the pain away, but help it heal.

No one really knows when it will happen or even if it will ever happen. Just like no one knows when the rain will stop.

So until then, I will allow my tears, tears of pain that no one can see in the pouring rain.