The amazing maze

It’s foggy. I am wandering through the shades of dark blue and gray as I cannot look around me. Everything around and in front of me is dark, except the spotlight on Thea, walking in front of me. She turns around and smiles. Unfortunately, I’m waking up.

Another dream. It’s 4 am and my heart is racing. Ever since we kissed at the fair a few hours ago, my mind has been spiraling and my heart suddenly seems to be able to pump more blood through my veins, as if it has finally reached its usual size. Everything around me is silent, but my heartbeat fills my ears like the biggest drum one could think of.

I like Thea. Like her more than I usually like a friend. I am attracted to her. Am I attracted to girls, too? Yes, I do think so. It feels like it.

My mind has been repeating this playlist of thoughts, yet they still feel as foggy as the dream, as if they are foreign.

Of course. They have been hidden for quite some time, you dummy, how else would they feel?

Funny, how one can actually get good advice from their own mind and sometimes be lost in a maze of confused thoughts. Typing “I like girls and boys what does that mean” on the Google search engine has led me to the realization that I am bisexual. So did three quizzes, tests respectively, on sexual orientation. The Cambridge Dictionary defines bisexual as being “romantically or sexually attracted to people of your own gender and people of a different gender”. Yeah, that makes sense. I nod to myself. Amazing what some mind spiral and a search engine on the internet can do: knowing how to define my current state and what keeps me up at almost 5 am now. That actually helps. Suggested searches lead me to Reddit posts on celebrities who define themselves as bisexual, the bisexual awakening of other people (who seem to agree on the character Shego from the TV series Kim Possible as the common denominator) and also stories, blogs and vlogs about how people came out as bisexual.

Found what you were looking for?

Yes, mind, glad for the talk. My mind circles back to Thea now, with her blue eyes, almost hidden by her long blond hair, the beautiful smile. I wonder if she is already awake. I feel like the maze in my mind has started to open up a bit, dropping some of the walls and creating an easier path for me to walk through it. There is a lot going on right now and memories of the first signs of my bisexuality that I blocked on purpose or denied unknowingly (who knows) start to pop up. Being raised by my heterosexual parents, I never doubted that I am heterosexual. Society usually does not promote overthinking of the own orientation and normally advertises heterosexuality and the norms that are linked with it. I am glad Thea made me see beyond that, beyond the part of me that got raised in this society. I finally do not have to question certain parts of me, nor numerous feelings or behaviors.

Now you know.

Yes, mind. Now I know.