the heavy silence

I already feel drained when I enter my school building. The corridors always look the same, the people always look the same. My feelings are always the same. The hate and anxiety are stuck inside of me. No matter how long I hold my breath, my steps are getting heavier. No matter how long I keep distracting myself by staring at the plain white walls, I feel my muscles tensing up.

I can feel her before my eyes catch her. She’s staring down at me, making me feel uncomfortable under her gaze. I walk past her, but she follows me to my locker. ,,Have you noticed how those girls looked at you when they passed you?”, she asks, watching me putting away my stuff into the locker. I ignore her, focusing on calming my racing thoughts down. ,,It’s for sure because of the way you dress. You look like an idiot.” She watches me intently with that expression full of hatred. I still can’t bring myself to fight back to her. The words always just die in my throat even though I want to ask why she hates me so much so badly.

She follows me on my way to my classroom. On the corridor in the first floor we see a friend of mine from our class and he greets me with a smile while passing by. I smile and wave back to him. She snorts besides me. ,,Are you aware of how stupid you behave when you’re facing people?”

I take my seat in the classroom and of course, she sits down besides me and as much as I wanna tell her to stay away from me, I can’t. My throat is tight, and I feel like I’m being judged by everyone in the room. ,,Well, I bet they think you’re incredibly rude for not greeting them when you entered the room. It wouldn’t be surprising to me if all of those people hated you right now.” I avert my gaze from everyone while I get my laptop out of my bag.

In English class the teacher divides us into small groups to discuss our solutions on the homework together. I’m feeling on edge as she leans over to me and says. ,,You know, whatever you’re about to say, they’re gonna think you’re just stupid and make fun of you. They’ll judge your pronunciation and how odd you behave while talking.” I’m barely able to concentrate on anything my group’s talking about and my anxiety has me in a death grip right now. One of my classmates turns to me now and asks me my opinion on the topic. That’s the moment I freeze. She looks at me with a cold and disgusted expression on her face. I can’t bring myself to say even one word. Instead, I break out in tears and feel ashamed and never hated myself more. I get up and leave the class to head to the restroom.

I feel myself shaking from intensity as I stand in the restroom, looking at myself in the mirror. Of course, how could it be any different? She’s haunting me. She’s staring right back at me from the reflection in the mirror. ,,Are you not sick of yourself at this point? Just admit it already. You’ll never be good enough.” I feel an intense wave of anger rushing through me and this time I can’t keep being quiet. I feel like I have to use my words right now or else I’m going to lose them forever, suffocating from swallowing them. I need a reminder that there’s still another voice inside of me that doesn’t sound like the voice I hate so much. ,,Why are you torturing me so much? Why do you hate me? Why do I not deserve to be who I am?”