One finds comfort in faith. I am not religious, but I have a drawer god. If I need comfort, I open the drawer and take out my faith. Faith in a parallel universe. A world where I make different choices, wear different colors, kiss different people. It’s comforting to think that somehow, somewhere in another timeline, a relationship got its chance that it wasn’t granted in this version of a life. It softens the pain like the thought of a better world after death does.
In my good moments, when I am content, I deride myself for thinking this. Yet people cannot avoid playing the what-if game. Even when they couldn’t be more happy, the thought of a hypothetical version of this life creeps into our minds like a parasite bent on questioning our happiness.
I have gone to great lengths to befriend that parasite. Sometimes I enjoy its presence, even when it eats away my body from the inside out. And sometimes I miss it when it’s infesting another home. And then I wonder if it’s ever gone or if it’s just hard for me to distinguish whether the parasite is a foreign body or – whether I am the parasite?
© Sophie Haller 2022-07-11