the play

Alone again.

Walking in circles at the mall, entering shops pretending I’m interested in spending the little money I have left, asking about the prices making small talk , buying acetone to remove the black dye on my forehead , waiting in line , moving slower than usual as there is nothing to go back to , finding a park , smoking and smoking and thinking and smoking again and trying to figure out what the next step is.

The ultimate question ‘what can I do to fill the void ?’

The guy I’m seeing doesn’t care and although it is what we agreed on, in times like this when I’m sitting on a bench alone being a witness to everyone’s life but mine, I wish he would.

It is my fault. I decided to be a ghost.

I wanted this.

I romanticized isolation a little bit too much, and now I’m stuck. I bought myself a first row ticket to an endless play thinking I could leave whenever I wanted to, but it turns out it’s not as easy as it seemed back when I wanted this. Back when I had the upper hand and made all the wrong choices.

My friend spends her nights talking to strangers on the phone. I never thought communication could be as easy as swiping left and right, choosing between men, deciding who’s more attractive. I hate her voice when she talks to them.

Low, soft, provocative.

‘That’s not you’ I think, but I keep it to myself.

They all ask the same questions and want the same thing. It’s tiring to listen to and frankly, it makes me sadder than I already am.

“Why do you need to talk to guys in the middle of the night” I want to ask, “Why do you seek the attention of people you’ll never meet?” is another question. But to ask would mean to judge, and I’d rather not lose the only friend I have at the moment.

I wonder what people think of me.

I wonder what people think of me every time I dye my hair a different color.

I wonder what people think of me when they see me alone most of the time doing nothing. Simply staring and smoking and writing, head down, headphones on, rings on my fingers, smudged eyeliner.

Do I look pathetic or mysterious?

‘You’re cold and arrogant’ he says.

‘No one can get through you’ he says.

Fuck him.

He knows nothing.