The Pomegranate Within

navigating:
the Desire to be Sick and the Path to Healing

There exists a phenomenon known as the “desire to be sick”. It may sound irrational, and perhaps it is, but this desire is common among individuals with mental illness. While we yearn to be free from this burden, this diagnosis, and to not be just another statistic or problem, the reality is that after battling for so long, the thought of continuing the fight becomes unbearable. We feel a profound urge to surrender. Why? Because we cannot envision a life without depression, anxiety or other afflictions. Mental illness erodes our ability to believe that things can improve. Occasionally, life may take a turn for the better, but why should they be the exception? Why should I be the fortunate one? How can we trust in that possibility? Living with mental illness creates a world where hope feels like an illusion, and the prospect of recovery seems unattainable. It’s not that we don’t want to get better; it’s that we’ve been entrenched in this struggle for so long that we cannot see a way out. It’s exhausting, and the desire to be sick often stems from a place of profound fatigue and resignation. The thought of relinquishing this endless battle is comforting because we can’t imagine what a life free from this pain would look like. This is why suicide is not a selfish act. If you ask someone with suicidal thoughts why they are still here, they might say they are holding on for the sake of others: “It’s either my suffering ends or I pass it on to the people I love.” They might stay for their pets or because they fear the consequences of a failed attempt. Suicidal individuals don’t need a barrage of medication that strives away their essence and personality. They need someone to tell them that their feelings are valid and understandable. They need a space to confess their thoughts and be told that they are not alone. People don’t wake up one day and decide to end their lives on a whim. Many who contemplate suicide don’t truly want to die; the mere thought of an end to their suffering is so comforting that they cling to it, rather than actively seeking change. When you’ve been in a constant state of despair, the prospect of happiness feels fraught with the fear of losing it all. For those living with Borderline Personality Disorder, this struggle is especially intense. The pomegranate, with its tough exterior and complex, vibrant interior, serves as a powerful metaphor for people with BPD. Just like the pomegranate, you may feel like you are bursting with emotions and experiences that are difficult to manage. But within you lies a unique and profound beauty that is waiting to be seen and appreciated. Your feelings are valid, your struggles are real, and your hope, however small it may seem, is precious.

To all the pomegranates out there,
remember that you are not alone in this fight. You are loved deeply, and your journey matters. Keep holding on, not just for others, but for the possibility of discovering the vibrant and beautiful seeds of hope within yourself. You are worthy of love and understanding, just as you are.