by Vonetta
Ever since she was a little girl she wanted to be a writer. At only ten years of age, she could not name the idea of getting money for her writing. The only thing she knew was that she wanted to tell stories. She realized that, when her uncle asked her to write a story for him, for when he’s gone again. A thousand ideas flooded her head, and a year later the first 50 pages were written.
The only problem now are the questions that sneak up on her like a fever, once they hear that another poor soul has given herself over to the arts. Ever since she started to write, this illness has taken hold of her: doubt. An illness without a working vaccine, even though there are plenty of so-called cures out there and strategies to get over them. One of the symptoms is a writing blockade, a fear of failing or not having something interesting enough to say to be put down on paper. And tendonitis, which she is sure always occurs when she is wishing for paper and a pen to write something down.
But now, for the jubilee of ten years of writing, and living with this illness, she decided to just write. By now, she is holding up this state of doingit without thinking and thus without doubting for three minutes straight. Three minutes without brooding about how she could formulate something to sound prettier or more intellectual. Every artist, every human being can identify with the problem of doubting oneself. This problem duels with the wish to set all those words and dialogues and characters free into the world and to let go. After all, she always reads that the difference between an author and a dreamer is that the author is overcoming his doubts even though fearing judgement, and just writes, while the rest just keep on dreaming. Yet she believes the world to be dependent on dreamers, because, after all, before every completed story stood the dream of writing one.
“Dreamers are human beings with the motivation to change the world”
And just this motivation gives her strength, even though she may never make her dreams come true and become an actual author. First and for all, with every doubt, she is a dreamer.
Secretly, in the back of her room, she is a writer. In those moments, when she just lets the words flow without ends or limitations . When words are pouring out of her like the colours of a painter, into the real, living world, and reveal her personality, her inner wishes and thoughts. She writes ideas for stories, dramatic scenes and dialogues. She is a writer without rules or any certain form, an author of the moment, a free spirit.
But society has no room for dreamers, or beings that feel like writers, without ending whole stories. They don’t respect incomplete things, even though others need those to live. So the doubts stay. Doubt whether her words are ever going to be important and enough to be worth listening to.
© Vonetta 2022-04-06