Track 10 – Broken Bonds

J-S-Wynne

by J-S-Wynne

Story

Sometimes I think I love too deeply, so much that the people I love feel burdened. Because I give freely, the balance is off. I don’t care about the debt, but I think they feel burdened by the uneven account pressing on their mind. They wish I would love them less. Maybe I hope that they wish to love me as deeply. Maybe they do?

Our conversation started as a casual check-in, but it quickly turned tense. Sofie had been distant while I settled into life in Taiwan. Our calls had mostly focused on her family and relationship issues.

“You overstepped,” she said, her voice sharp. “You can’t talk about my mom or my boyfriend like that.” I felt my stomach drop. “I’m sorry I overstepped,” I said, but the apology felt hollow. Our friendship had been deteriorating despite my efforts to keep it intact. It felt like I was stumbling in the dark while she knew where the lightswitch was, and I kept hurting her without ever getting clear boundaries.

When I got into my dream university, Sofie’s reaction had been indifferent. “So, you’re moving away?” was all she had said. Now that I was in Taiwan, her disinterest was even more evident. “I can’t believe you’re not excited for me,” I said, frustration creeping into my voice. “I’m having the best time of my life here, and you haven’t asked me a single question about it.”

“How’s life there?” she replied, her tone flat.

It had always been like this. Sofie demanded my attention but kept me at a distance. When I returned from the US after ten months, it took her three months to see me. She was too caught up with her boyfriend – who had lied and stolen from her – to care about my return. I wasn’t allowed to criticize him, or I risked being pushed further away. Yet, I was always waiting for her. Suddenly, I realized how much easier my new friendships were. “Sofie,” I said, my voice trembling, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

We had all grown up together Sofie, Sally, and me. Maybe if Sally had lived, she would not have died in our arms every time we grew up a little. Maybe if she hadn’t died we‘d still all be friends today, maybe that is the point from which everything went downhill. But, it must have gone pretty downhill before that for one of us to die. Maybe it could have been any of us, maybe by dying she saved us. Maybe I wanted to die after, but didn’t because her death had made me want to die. It meant my death would cause pain, that the world would end for someone and hope would turn into a dull grayness that sucks you down like quicksand. Maybe we were never really okay after. Maybe that is what she wanted. But she was nothing but a child, who had so much to learn. I could never blame a child for the pain it caused, since a child who causes pain, is in pain. I couldn’t make her pain better because I was also nothing but a child. Now, as an adult, I’ve learned to heal myself. I embraced my own pain and found love within. I hope Sally can feel that love, the love she left behind.

As I ended the call, Sofie’s final words echoed in my mind: “So you’re leaving me behind again? Back then, you left me first, you know.”

© J-S-Wynne 2024-08-31

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