by Alexa_Sara
We go for dinner. Every anniversary. We celebrate- celebrate the next step we took, in the restaurant we both love. It is romantic, it is everything I ever dreamt of. It is our ritual. A consistency I always lacked, always missed. Now I have it, now I have you. We see new places. A handful of new sights. We love them so much. We keep going there over and over again. To the park nearby. To your grandma’s hut at the lake. To see the cheetahs at the zoo. They pace before us. And you hold my hand, while it makes me sad that they are trapped like this. They will have to stay where they are for the rest of their days. Just like I had to. But not anymore. So we revisit the park and the hut at the lake. We play cards and I lose, like the day before. Yet I don’t mind. Because I have won so much more being here with you. We plan new adventures. I show you places I’d like to go. And you say you’ll think about it and come back to me with your own ideas. And we continue to play cards, up to the sun coming down. And we go home. And you hold me in your arms when you whisper into my ear, how much you enjoyed the park, the lake and the zoo. So when I fall asleep, I smile, knowing this is us. This will always be us. Breaking the new day, we get up and get ready for a new horizon. We go to the park nearby. We go to your grandma’s hut at the lake where we play cards and I lose. But I do not mind, not anymore. I start to ask for the plans you wanted to come back to me with. You tell me you forgot about it. Instead, we go to see the cheetahs at the zoo. They pace before us. And you hold my hand while I slowly realize that they are trapped like this. For the rest of their days. And it makes me so sad that you decide to take me to our restaurant. The same one we always go to to celebrate. And we order what we always do. But somehow it is not romantic. It is not everything I ever dreamed of. Not anymore. But it is a ritual. A consistency I always had. Always loathed. Because it reminds me of the cheetahs. And for the first time I catch a glimpse, a glimpse of the truth. That my horizon would never be new when day breaks. It would end with the park nearby, your grandma’s hut at the lake. And you are holding my hand while we watch the cheetahs pace before us. There I lose a tear because they are trapped. For the rest of their days. Just like I was. Just like I…
But you catch the tear and turn my head. You smile down at me. They are safe here, you say, they are cared for. Isn’t that good? Isn’t that enough? Just like you care for me. Just like you keep me safe. So I fold into your arms and stifle my cry. You are right. Just like the zoo, the park nearby, your grandma’s hut at the lake- they are safe here. And safe is good. Good enough, I guess. So we go back to the lake where we play cards again. And I lose. But I do not mind. Because this is us, this will always be us.
Until I feel safe instead of trapped.
© Alexa_Sara 2022-08-17