by Alexa_Sara
There are a lot of tears. To the amount of crying a river. A river full of memories of trauma and angst. Of loneliness and hopeless fights. Fights I had taken on to weaken myself even more, senseless fights from the beginning. Fights for people who were not worth it but had told me I was not worthy of their love. So I lie here, crying, and you are there. You will always be there. You will always love me, but you need me to love myself too. So you give me your time without asking anything of me. Give me strength to go there, get on the journey that I need to take on. While my wounds rip open. Actually, I rip them open, because I feel like I deserve the pain. The pain of losing them, when it was my decision to cut them out of my life. When I had taken the step away to breathe again, to find myself under all the weight they had buried me under. I stepped away and now it feels like I am hurting myself more than they had ever hurt me. But that is not right. And with you supporting me, I find help. I am extremely lucky this time. That there is no one waiting for me to push me into another hole, but someone who really wants to help. She works with me, through the tears and the pain. And even though I know I have to work on a lot, I keep going. Because for the first time I can see a new horizon. It is bright and not made out of lies. I will reach it. I will go all the way till I am there. It might maximize the pain, I might cry an ocean instead of a river, but I will keep going. Because there is nothing more worth than finally healing for me. There is nothing worth more than me. I know that now and I do not back down again. I will be there for myself. Learn to accept and love and cherish everything about me, the way you do unconditionally and the way they never have. No one will ever have to, because I’ll do it myself just fine. I will be my stars and moon to guide me in the night. I will be my sunshine to light my days. Because I am so worthy of being happy- of being just me. Because I had never been too much and always enough. And finally, I see it, while I do not need anyone else to tell me. I am me. And that is just good. I do not want to be anyone else. I do not want to be just how they want to have me. I want to, I will be me. And that is just good. Even though I was angry, even though I had found days full of regret, I have to thank them now. Because living through hell has made me stronger- has made me really want to live my life to the fullest. So when they had broken me into a million pieces, and when they had thought I was handled, they had made me take the steps I had so desperately needed.
The step away.
The step in front of the mirror.
The step forward.
The step into a new life.
Until they were behind me and I stood tall.
Until the wish I had made for the shooting star finally came true.
Until I did no longer wait for someone to save me.
but
Until I chose to heal myself just on my very own.
© Alexa_Sara 2022-08-27