Until I Die

That is him, Mama. The man who makes me happy, the man who makes me feel whole. He gives me everything I deserve and more. He is everything. I smile, because I am so used to it now. And you smile back. This is us. But my mother does not smile. She inspects. She would even circle you to get a better look. Then she nods and I see her teeth. But it is no smile. I know that look. It’s a facade. The perfect looking, not giving away anything wall she built around her and Dad and me. But I am not behind this wall anymore. I want to be real. I want to show how I feel. I want to be me and not perfect. So I take her aside and she starts to cry. Not just one tear, there are a lot. What is wrong, Mama? I ask worried and she sniffels. You know I only want the best for you, she says. Yes. Her seagreen eyes find mine. He is not right for you, she says. How can you say that? I back away shocked. She has just seen how happy I am. For the first time, I am happy. I am me. I live to my potential. I don’t feel empty. And I see the world. He shows me the world, Mama. He is not just talking about it. Luring me in. He is true to his word. Why would he not be right? Because he is taking you away, she says. I am not myself anymore. That isn’t me. She does not see her daughter standing in front of her, but a stranger. Someone she had not brought into this world. A world the person I was seemed no longer to live in. She wanted me back. She wanted her child back. But Mama, I am right here. She only shakes her head. The way I am now, the way I am talking, I am not her daughter. Her daughter is behaving. She only talks to them about everything, but not too loud. Her daughter is trying to be enough so she can be proud of her. She is only ever made whole by her family, who is everything to her. Family against the rest of the world. But the person standing in front of her now, she is just too much. She wants her daughter back, since I am not her. She would give me whatever I wanted. A gift maybe, some present or money even. I back away shocked. You want me to leave him for money, Mama? Because he makes me too much? Because he does not handle me the way you would handle me? Because he is just not right for me. Because he was not him. He had fit perfectly, she says, and I see. I can see so clearly for the first time ever. Don’t you want me to be happy, Mama? Because I am happy now. She wants me to be the way she just told me to be. Behaving, trying, not enough yet, and not too much like always. I see. And I back away but not shocked anymore. I back away till I can reach for your hand and turn to leave. I can hear her calling after me but there is nothing left to say. So I walk, hand in hand with you.

Until I am far enough away that also she must see clearly that her daughter is no more.